I believe in the attitude that I – well – make my own attitude. I believe in it whole-heartedly. I believe that I can change my outlook and my view from positive to negative to positive. I can make it a good day, if I try hard enough. I believe I am in charge of that completely and I have the power to change it.
Do I believe you can do it? No. I’m not you. I would never post some cheesy sunrise picture with a platitude that says, “Make today great!” because some people do not have brains that allow them that power. Some people need medication or therapy to learn that power.
But me? I have that power. I’ve always had that power. And the second start to feel like I no longer have that power? Is the day I seek help from a professional.
However, what I don’t believe is that it’s easy. At all. And some days? Even though I truly believe it’s entirely in my power? I just can’t do it.
I’m not saying today is one of those days.
(It might be.)
But some days I try to just make it a GOOD DAY. Be positive! Be awesome! Be joyful! Be the light in the darkness! And I can focus on that and I can do it and all is good in my little world.
But many, many days, I try. I flip that switch 100 times but the light just flickers…and stays dark.
And then there are some days – only a few, thank goodness – that I don’t even bother. I just look at the day, I see it’s a dark one, and I just say screw it and I don’t even bother looking for that switch.
Wes started puking last night and had a fever of 101. You would think (if you were me) that a solid week after Thing 1 got a stomach virus that Thing 2 must be in the all clear! But if you thought that, and you were me, you would be wrong. Evidently.
He’s been up all night tossing and turning and he’s actually had cramps due to the dehydration so I’ve been doing more foot-rubbing than puke-cleaning, thank goodness. He also had a much better instinct for what was going on with his body than his sister did, so there’s not as much laundry waiting for me.
But I’m tired. And lately I’ve been working really hard at flipping that switch every day. I just keep trying and trying and eventually…the light stays on. But these last several weeks have had such an assortment of chaos, some I’ve dumped on you guys and some I haven’t, that I’m just tired. I poured my coffee, sat down, and thought Ok, Kim. We’re making this a good one…DO YOU HEAR ME? And I went to flip that switch on for the day and I just never even made it to the wall. I just sat down and thought Nope. Bullshit. I’m sick of taking these shitty days and trying to make them better. I’m sick of this pervasive gray that I’m fighting off every day. I just want to bask in the darkness for one day and just feel sorry for myself.
And then I heard my sickly son calling me from the bathroom. He’s finished his 4th soak of the night, baths soothe him like they do me. I went in there to help him dry off and get back in bed and he says, “Mom…thank you so much for taking care of me.”
“No problem, honey. That’s my job!”
“And it’s my job to love you.”
So…I tried to flip the switch on today. It flickered and turned off, so I’ll try again after another cup of coffee. But I’ll keep trying to get this day on the right track. I still have that power and I feel like I waste every day I don’t use it when there are so many out there floundering in the darkness without hope or strength and have no idea there’s even a switch in the room. As long as I have this power, I should try my best to live in the light and hope that my light helps others until they can find their own power.
It’s just going to take a little more coffee today.