When I have an anxiety attack, it’s like a door gets left open in my brain and then all of the other thoughts just keep pouring in and I can’t get the door closed to do anything else but worry.
I don’t necessarily have shortness of breath or heart palpitations or shakes or the “stereotypical” physical responses. Instead, it’s just non-stop anxious thinking. Things that never worried me before, or don’t normally worry me, suddenly are bouncing around my brain looking for a spot to settle in.
Last night, around 9:30pm, I was informed this is NOT a stingray.
Why does this matter?
Because this is the basis for a t-shirt I designed that we just started taking orders for.
FOR OUR SWIM TEAM.
I love this team and these kids and I am doing this volunteer job even though I don’t have a swimmer so I can train another parent and I kinda looked at this shirt as my tribute to a group I love.
BUT THIS IS A FUCKING STINGRAY.
I’m so embarrassed it’s not even funny.
And this problem that I caused that may slow down/impact our shirt order and DEFINITELY makes me EXTREMELY embarrassed – opened the floodgates last night and I was up worrying about the following things:
- How close I came to putting people I love in a shirt that SAID “stingrays” but was actually a manta ray.
- Wes’s birthday (it’s Saturday)
- Where are those stickers I bought last month?
- Should I have thrown those strawberries in the compost? Are they bad?
- Do I have any clean socks for tomorrow?
- What should my sign say at the protest on Saturday?
- How are poor kids going to afford college?
- Will I ever get a new sliding class door?
AND JUST ON AND ON AND ON.
It’s basically a manic episode, but my mania is: WORRYING.
I tried everything in my arsenal and nothing could stop my brain. I tried to paint, I did my breathing, I did my sensory reset…NOTHING WORKED. I turned on a TV show I had seen before but then I found myself worrying about that TV show (Heartstopper) and whether it was going to get renewed! I eventually put on my sleeptime music for the 5th time and around 1:30-2am I think I finally fell asleep.
I woke up at 5am.
Today is going to be ROUGH.
I feel like losing sleep impacts me way more than the average person. I get headaches and stomach aches and hot flashes when I’m overly tired.
I’m lucky to be meeting a friend for a walk this morning so hopefully that will help, but UGGGG. I hate my brain some days so very much.
So, anyway. Let this be your lesson today: There are TWO different basic shapes of “rays” in the ocean. Sting and Manta.