When I was in the depth of my disordered eating…counting calories, pounds, miles…I did not spend a lot of time really thinking about fatness. However, I do a lot of mental work in recovery that definitely shines a light on some of my previous mindsets because I can feel how much differently I view things now.
For example, I recently participated in a thought-exercise where we were supposed to honestly answer the question: “If you could snap your fingers and be skinny, would you do it?”
And I can honestly say that for 44’ish years…the answer would have been, “Yes.” And I can also honestly say that for those 44’ish years I would have assumed:
Everyone’s answer would be, “Yes.” While I believed for those 44 years that people could love themselves if they were fat, and I believed fat people could be attractive, I also believed 100% of them would choose “thin” if offered the chance. I believed everyone – if given the choice – would choose skinny.
But I very easily said, “Not no, but hell no.” I would definitely 100% NOT choose skinny, even if it was just a snap away.
First of all, I have no desire to build a wardrobe again.
Secondly, I have no desire to think about food or exercise again which I would have to do to stay thin.
NO THANK YOU.
I used to fantasize about suddenly being 108 lbs again like I was on my wedding day. And I would say to myself, “If I could just get that size again, I could totally stay that weight this time around.”
But now I know what emotional and physical torture it is to try to stay that size. I know how many things I missed out on, thinking so much about food choices and restrictions. I know how often I tortured myself over those choices. I know how hard it was to even stay around 125 lbs, much less 108 lbs. WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN?
But the next question was: “Okay – but what if you could stay at that weight even with how you eat/live now? And what if you immediately had a wardrobe?”
I would still say, “No.” Simply because I just don’t care anymore. I used to think I wanted to “love my body no matter what” – but the truth is, I’ve reached someplace even better. I just don’t care about it at all. So, no. I wouldn’t change it simply because I don’t care enough to want to. I have finally separated my view of myself from my view of my body and I’m happier with myself than I’ve ever been.
Now, I’m still struggling with anxiety and depression. Healing from my eating disorder did not cure my other mental illnesses. But I’m not longer also drowning in thoughts of hating my body or depriving myself of food or chronic over-exercising. I’m not taking Sudafed as an appetite suppressant. I’m not doing any bonkers diets like Slim Fast or the Special K diet. (Remember those?) I’m not taking laxatives or running miles just so I can have cake on my birthday. I’m at peace with my body and often think I look cute; but mostly I just don’t think about my body at all anymore. This is not a place I knew existed…but I am so fucking glad I’m here.
My daughter took this picture while I was getting my nails done and I saw it and thought, “How sweet is that, she thought to take a picture of me!” If you’re a Mom of a teenage girl, you know how much of a compliment that is. Kim of the land of Disordered Eating would have HATED this picture. But all I thought was, “How awesome for someone to take MY picture without me asking!” And I put it on my instagram post about the weekend so maybe she would feel encouraged to take my picture randomly more often. TAKE MY PICTURE, KIDS! Momma needs some candids!
I’m just so glad I’m where I’m at. I’m so glad I made it to the other side.
