About Me, ED Recovery and Radical Self Love, On Mental Health

Back. Again. Again. Again.

I have entered the phase of blogging where every post now starts with a, “OMG. WHERE HAVE I BEEN?” preface.

But seriously, where have I been?

First and foremost: I think my ADHD medicine is thwarting my compulsive need to brain-dump every morning. My blogging urges have declined significantly since my Str@t3rr@ dosage has been optimized. (Listen, with the problem this site has had with malicious bots inserting erronious links into my posts, I’m definitely not going to draw their attention by putting medicine names into my posts.) I’m okay with that because that coincides with managing a lot of my brain chaos better.

But. Writing was not just a compulsive need to brain dump, it was also a creative outlet for me and so I do want to continue to use it as that. Although, without the blogging every morning I have found time to pursue other creative outlets. Like painting and collaging.

But I do want to pepper writing back into my creative meditation time in the morning. I do find setting aside time to be artist/creative every morning is a suitable replacement for meditation because A) it’s easier for me than meditation and B) it still serves the purpose of clearing my head and helping me disconnect from the anxiety-producing elements of the world.

So! My ADHD meds are working! Does that mean my mental health is improved?

Kinda?

There are definitely elements of my mental health decline that have been assisted by treating my ADHD. Unfortunately, there are other faces that had nothing to do with my ADHD. My anxiety disorder was not cured and I still sometimes find myself with a brain filled with worry and nothing but a desire to turn it off.

I still sometimes get tackled by waves of depression and struggled to find my breath.

So, I am constantly working on building up my arsenal of tools for those things. And no, I still have yet to find a therapist.

I am continuing to improve in the world of Eating Disorder recovery. Part of that journey has led me to being radicalized in the movement of Fat Justice, but that is a good thing. I now view any attempt at weight loss from anyone with skepticism as I now understand that there are other metrics for judging health that are much more reliable. Focusing on those metrics (like lowering your blood pressure by eating less fat/salt) may still lead to weight loss, but setting the GOAL to lose weight is rooted in anti-fatness which helps no one and hurts many. The goal should be health and it should be achieved with an understanding that fat people can be healthy and so the focus should be on other metrics as supported by a medical professional that believes in health at every size and supports efforts toward fat justice.

Also – health is not a requirement for respect and love. My blood pressure has sky-rocketed recently and I stopped my regular walking routine. I am not trying to be physically healthier at the moment because I don’t have the energy for that because I’m currently trying to keep my mental health stabilized and also…*GESTURES WILDLY*. None of this means I deserve unsolicited advice, or public criticism. I deserve to live without comment on my health or body just as much as I did when I was suffereing from disordered eating but in a thinner body.

My kids are thriving and continue to bully me by sending embarrassing pictures of me to their friends on snapchat or mocking my oldness with screen grabs of texts or reenactments of dumb questions.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m still reading like a fiend and trying to keep track of those things on Goodreads and on my instagram highlights. I post my “real” reviews on instagram because it freaks me out that authors read the goodreads reviews and so – especially if I have anything remotely critical – I save it for my IG.

I’m still love my job at the library. I’m worried I’m not good enough because sometimes we have zero program attendance, but I care for every person who walks into my library and I try to give them 100% of myself. I care about the community I work in dearly, trying my best to help with things outside the library. And I am enthusiastic for everything related for my job. So I’m hoping no one regrets hiring the girl with no experience or academic understanding of what being a librarian entails!

How are you?

2 thoughts on “Back. Again. Again. Again.”

  1. I am SO happy to see you. I check in often. Feel free to not write much but know that I send good vibes and good wishes when you are not around. I guess that’s my anxiety kicking in huh? 🙂 I worry when I don’t see you blogging but it’s good to know that you are just out there living life!!!
    Julie A

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