Grief, Mom, On Mental Health, Social Distancing Diaries

Gross Injuries, Covid Isolation, and Grief Induced Loneliness…AREN’T YOU GLAD I AM BACK?

Stick around to the end, I promise it isn’t all terrible!

You know when people haven’t written in awhile and they provide excuses? Well…I’ve done that a lot in the last 17 years. But nothing like this one: I haven’t written because I chopped off a tiny piece of the tip of my finger at work a few weeks ago and I can just now type adequately enough to not make it torturous.

You know those paper cutters from our childhood classrooms that were so dangerous that teachers would not let kids anywhere near them? Well, we have one at the library and we don’t let kids anywhere near ours.

We evidently shouldn’t let the librarians too close either.

(If you can’t handle discussions of minor injuries skip the next two paragraphs)

They couldn’t use stitches to sew the piece back on (ew) because it wasn’t really big enough (EEEWWWW) but the bleeding would not stop (EW EW EW EW) and so they had to chemically cauterize it and it turns out I’m a bleeder and so “It will only hurt for a second” turned into many many many seconds and eventually they kinda gave up and just opted for and old-fashioned really tight bandaging for the one final vessel that couldn’t be closed up.

This was fine until 48 hours later when I was supposed to take off the bandaging and it was STUCK and OH MY GOD IT HURT SO BAD. I actually ended up chugging a beer before getting the bandage off just to loosen me up some because it was terrible.

But it’s been a few weeks now and I can type again without a bandage on…at least for a little while, it does start to hurt with too much keyboard contact so I won’t be writing any books for a bit.

We are also currently in our first *real* potential Covid exposure experience. Nikki got exposed Saturday and so she’s been isolating in her room since Sunday morning. She only comes out when she has to and when she does she and I both wear masks. Her first at-home test was negative, she gets her PCR today and another at-home on Friday and *fingers crossed* those will all be negative. Unfortunately, she’s had a dry cough that doesn’t line up to exposure time (started earlier) and so that makes us uneasy…but other than that she feels fine. Just going a little stir crazy trapped in her small room with no human contact.

It’s driving me crazy too, BTW, we are an affectionate family and I miss her hugs.

So that’s where we are at right now…one child in lockdown, one finger slowly easing it’s way back into commission, and one lady barely holding it all together during the anniversary of one of the hardest months of her life.

We’re here. January again. Last year at this time Mom had mentioned wanting to quit dialysis seriously a few times but we had a great Christmas and she was going to have a great birthday. I often wonder if part of her had actually decided, Let me get through the holidays and my birthday and then I’ll quit dialysis. It’s a hard month and it’s going to get harder. I’m struggling with it, honestly. And the fresh grief with Mom has really stirred up all of the sadness losing Dad all over again because I just feel…alone now. I mean…I’m not alone, but…it’s weird…having no parents just makes me feel alone in a way that is not really solvable. It’s like a certain kind of loneliness specific to them. There are certain kinds of loneliness that can be erased with time with loved ones, but this kind is weird. I have plenty of loved ones and time with them doesn’t erase this feeling that is hard to explain but super pervasive and often isolating.

Wow! Did you miss me?

But guess what? WE HAD REAL SNOW! At least for us anyway. Since it really didn’t effect the roads (It had been 75 degrees two days before. We actually had to get in our tornado closet because of the storms!) I only got to play before work so I met E for a walk. He only lives 1.5’ish miles away and between is us a historic cemetery where we often meet for walks. It was magical and lovely and I can’t believe that went from 75 and tornadoes to THIS in 48 hours.

The other two kids were asleep when I left for work so I had zero pictures of them in the snow. My…how times change! Nikki did play in it in the middle of the night but I don’t think Wes ever got out in it. It’s no fun if you don’t have anyone to play with and I’m the snow parent and I was at work.

Either way, it was magical and I’m glad I got to enjoy it for a bit!

3 thoughts on “Gross Injuries, Covid Isolation, and Grief Induced Loneliness…AREN’T YOU GLAD I AM BACK?”

  1. Finger whacking, snow playing, dog snuggling ……. look at you having all the fun! 😛 LOL!!

    Glad your finger is in-tact and your daughter isn’t showing any horrible symptoms. I understand about January…. lots of reasons for it to be a sucky month. But……… I <3 you, in spite of having not seen you in person in forever. 😀

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