Hi.

This is going to be a winding path through my brain as I try to dump my thoughts on blogging and life all at the same time. Buckle in.

Commenting on blogs took a decline as social media use rose over the last decade. This didn’t phase me too much, because I still felt like people were reading and I wasn’t talking into the void. Then, over time I think I stopped minding too much if I was talking into the void because my morning brain dumps to this blog were as much for me as they were for anyone else.

But then I started being a bit more deliberate about how I used my social media. Still posting mundane and benign crap to my instastories periodically, but not posting much to my instagram or my twitter or my Facebook without being really deliberate about it. I would ask myself some of the following questions:

  • If I’m posting about my family, will my kids object or mind today or in 20 years?
  • If I’m posting about social issues am I making sure to also amplify marginalized voices in some way? Because while white people do need to do a lot of the work, they don’t need to take the credit.
  • If I’m posting about my own personal journey am I being conscious of my voice and my language so as not to perpetuate ideas around misogyny or body-shaming or racism that might be so deeply programmed I don’t notice them?
  • If I’m posting about current events am I doing so in a way that tries to communicate across the divide? Am I also providing trustworthy resources or links to back up what I’m posting?

And I started kinda thinking about my blog in this way too. What was I doing here? Does it matter if no one is reading? And honestly, all of that work is easier for small/short posts on social media than on a blog.

I’m also dealing with a lot of personal crap which I feel like I can pretend doesn’t exist on social media…but this is where I dump everything so it always feels inauthentic to post about anything when I can’t post about the big things. You know?

And honestly…it just was easier to ignore this blog…assuming no one was reading. Assuming anyone who started here followed me somewhere else…instagram, Facebook (I tend to keep FB to people I know in the real world), or Twitter (where I get more political than anywhere else)…where they’re exposed to other voices and won’t notice if mine is quieter than usual.

But maybe there are a few people still checking in here. I don’t know.

I have been swinging between a new kind of “good” feeling…like my good days and good moments feel like they go a bit deeper than they used to. I think part of that is due to some work on Radical Self Love which tends to break into the soul a bit. But also I’ve built some really good connections with my kids lately which goes really deep and I’m doing some really good reading which goes deep…so all of my “good” moments and feelings are deep and solid and not fleeting. They’re not necessarily “euphoric” levels of good, the good is not HIGH, but it is strong. Like…it’s an iceberg. I’m not blissfully joyful and filled with glee, but those moments that I’m feeling good are solid.

But the bad shit is heavy and hard to shake and has deep foundations AND is tall as a skyscraper. It’s hard for me to shake the personal conflicts in my life where I’m testing out new boundaries and then realizing they weren’t set right as wounds open up again etc. I’m still struggling to silence the voices that notice my weight gain in a negative light. I’m still experiencing a lot of existential dread and worry about my family as our economics are still a bit unstable.

So my mental health is still a roller coaster as always. Some areas are really solidly improving to give me great deep foundations of light and love but other areas are minefields of extreme depression and anxiety.

But I’m still here. Thank you so much if you reached out, it is always nice to know someone is thinking about me because sometimes, when I’m sinking, I feel very lonely and that was a gift of comfort to know that somebody somewhere thought, “Is Kim okay?”

Kim is okay. In some ways Kim is better than ever. But in other ways Kim is struggling the same way everyone is struggling right now. And she doesn’t quite know how to write here when her brain is bouncing around so much.

If you’re still here and reading. Thank you. I do have plans for the New Year. Not resolution type of plans, but focus type of plans. I want to try to calm the seas of my mind with dedicated focus in certain areas of study and I look forward to expounding on that more.

Until then, feel free to follow me on Instagram where I do try to update my stories at least once a day so you’ll know I’m still out there existing. I also update my Goodreads pretty regularly as I’m reading so much more now. I’m on Twitter but I mostly do a lot of re-tweeting of people smarter or funnier than me. But I’m still more active there than on my blog but if you are the least bit conservative, my Twitter activity will piss you off so I’d avoid it if you don’t want to hate me.

I’m here. Still sometimes laughing so hard I wet my pants but also sobbing alone in the car. I always contain multitudes.

38 thoughts on “Hi.”

  1. Still here, still reading. I did notice that you were skipping your morning blogging sessions and was hoping it was just the holidays messing with your routine. I do follow you on IG too!

  2. Long, long time lurker. I am reading your blog, too so appreciate all you share and including your evolving intentionality. You have taught me much by sharing your Journey.

  3. I’ve been reading your blog for years and enjoy reading your posts. I’ve been missing them lately but it’s good to know that you are ok!

  4. Still hear and reading. Your blog is the first thing I check every morning. Figured you were taking a break around the holidays. Glad you are ok.

  5. First, I love your Christmas tree! I wish you could see mine. Sometimes we are twins. 🙂 Second, I’m still here reading when you post, and as Kristen said, I have learned much from reading your “journal”. I want to say that even if you aren’t doing your morning “dump” (as you called it) here, I hope you are keeping a private journal so you still have the outlet of getting your thoughts/feelings to a place you can see them. I call it talking to myself on “paper”. I would for sure be gone from this world without it. Hang in there! It is a new year, in which there is opportunity for things to get much better! Happy New Year!

  6. I adore reading your blog- it has made me feel less alone in a million ways over the years and gave me the courage to talk out loud about a lot I would have otherwise carried alone. I’ve become a better, more informed person thanks to your writing as well. I just wanted you to know that – and while I follow you elsewhere, thank you, truly, for writing when you do here. It has meant a lot to me over the years.

  7. Hi I read every post, I don’t always comment though. Your words often resonate & stay with me. I’ve been waiting for your next post & hoping you’ve had a good Christmas holiday despite all the crap going on externally in the world & the struggle within you bravely write about. If I had only come across you on IG, I don’t think I would have realised the depth of your feelings about so many important views, that make you vibrate and create waves, which touch others. You’ve given me pause for thought so many times over the 16 years I’ve been reading your blog. I’m listening. I admire you.

  8. I’ve been reading since you were pregnant with Nikki. I hardly ever comment, but I always am glad to read your thoughts. The way you think about things is very similar to how I think about things, and your processing really helps me. You are so amazing at thinking through different issues. Thank you for sharing yourself with us! Happy New Year!

  9. Still here, still reading! I don’t use Twitter much anymore, and Instagram even less, but seeing your blog posts hit my email makes me smile because I like to think that if we lived near each other, we would be friends. ??

  10. I started reading when fertility issues and bloggers were my daily life. I never comment since my anxiety manifests itself by making me question every comment that I come up with in my head! I read daily and I look forward to your perspective—I even used one of your blog entries during a class I taught on poverty. Take care of yourself and Happy New Year!

  11. I still read your blog entries! They are very funny and relatable and helpful and I fully appreciate them. Glad you are doing well. I love hearing about your journey! You are a good person, and I wish we could be friends IRL, but for now, I’ll just be the rando internet friend. 🙂

  12. Whenever/whatever you write I am here reading but never comment(sorry). Your writing feels like what I am thinking but couldn’t say- the weight, the anxiety, the overthinking etc. When you aren’t posting I wonder if you are okay. Just wanted you to know I care and thanks.

  13. Hi Kim. Still here! I don’t think I’ve missed a post since before N was born. Wishing you and yours a very Happy 2021.

  14. I definitely enjoy your blog, and I do follow you on Instagram as well. I hope your stuff settles down soon.

  15. I adore you and appreciate you’re writing so much. I have learned so much from you over the years. SO MUCH. Thank you. Sending so much love.

  16. Hi Kim! Still reading, although only occasionally commenting. I don’t really follow you on any other social media; I felt it was either too intrusive and stalk-y or was on platforms I’m not on. But if you’re inviting…
    🙂
    “See” you around, and keep up the good work–you know, being your wonderful, caring, and sensitive self, and awesome mom and wife! You inspire me and remind me that “being perfect” really just means “doing what is good, and doing what is right” for you, your family, and your fellow humans and building on that daily. So, it may seem hyperbolic, but to me then, you are perfect. I hope that you can see yourself the same way from that point of view. Hugs!
    Happy new year to you and yours!

  17. I’m here. I always enjoy reading your thoughts. I don’t really use social media so I only see you here, and I’m glad you’re ok.

  18. Still here. Glad you are ok. Hope this new year will be better for you and everyone else.

  19. Still here, still reading, and still value your words so much! I follow you on social media too but I only use it sporadically, and I find reading your blog so wonderful in so many ways. It’s nice to engage intentionally, in a long-term way… I’m babbling, but I hope you know you are very much thought of and appreciated in this space!

    I hope your new year brings even more of that deeper happiness. I’m striving for it too. ❤

  20. De-lurking to say that I love reading your blog. Thank you for keeping at it for so long. Happy New Year!

  21. Still here and reading. I commented more in the olden days re exercise and sometimes asked a Huntsville question. Will keep checking here. Love your insight.

  22. I’m here, reading and enjoying and finding that you are making me think about stuff I need to think about. Thank you.

  23. Still here! Been reading for so many years and appreciate your viewpoint and thoughts. Glad to know you’re okay!

  24. I’ve been reading since 2004 although I rarely post. I have gained a lot over the years reading how you both process and proceed through your life. I appreciate you opening yourself up on the blog and I am truly enjoyed reading you over the years. I am not on social media but I will send you a request on Good Reads (although I am sporadic about posting there).

  25. Hi, I’m still here! I took a few days away from the computer so I’m a little late in replying. But I’ve been hanging around since 2004 🙂 And I do follow you elsewhere, but I love the stuff you write here too.

  26. Late to the game I know. I haven’t been keeping up with blogs over the holidays but usually I read every post! And, I’m still reading the ones I missed so… Also, I follow you on Twitter and Instagram but your blog is my favorite.

  27. Ok so I’m reading this 5 days later but I am reading it! The holidays got me, but usually I read every single one of your posts. Heck I even took your advice on a blog reader thingie so I don’t actually go to your site except to comment, which I rarely do cuz I’m shy (not really but I have a million thoughts that I can’t harness into readable words) but anyways, I’m here, I hear you.

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