This is going to be a winding path through my brain as I try to dump my thoughts on blogging and life all at the same time. Buckle in.
Commenting on blogs took a decline as social media use rose over the last decade. This didn’t phase me too much, because I still felt like people were reading and I wasn’t talking into the void. Then, over time I think I stopped minding too much if I was talking into the void because my morning brain dumps to this blog were as much for me as they were for anyone else.
But then I started being a bit more deliberate about how I used my social media. Still posting mundane and benign crap to my instastories periodically, but not posting much to my instagram or my twitter or my Facebook without being really deliberate about it. I would ask myself some of the following questions:
- If I’m posting about my family, will my kids object or mind today or in 20 years?
- If I’m posting about social issues am I making sure to also amplify marginalized voices in some way? Because while white people do need to do a lot of the work, they don’t need to take the credit.
- If I’m posting about my own personal journey am I being conscious of my voice and my language so as not to perpetuate ideas around misogyny or body-shaming or racism that might be so deeply programmed I don’t notice them?
- If I’m posting about current events am I doing so in a way that tries to communicate across the divide? Am I also providing trustworthy resources or links to back up what I’m posting?
And I started kinda thinking about my blog in this way too. What was I doing here? Does it matter if no one is reading? And honestly, all of that work is easier for small/short posts on social media than on a blog.
I’m also dealing with a lot of personal crap which I feel like I can pretend doesn’t exist on social media…but this is where I dump everything so it always feels inauthentic to post about anything when I can’t post about the big things. You know?
And honestly…it just was easier to ignore this blog…assuming no one was reading. Assuming anyone who started here followed me somewhere else…instagram, Facebook (I tend to keep FB to people I know in the real world), or Twitter (where I get more political than anywhere else)…where they’re exposed to other voices and won’t notice if mine is quieter than usual.
But maybe there are a few people still checking in here. I don’t know.
I have been swinging between a new kind of “good” feeling…like my good days and good moments feel like they go a bit deeper than they used to. I think part of that is due to some work on Radical Self Love which tends to break into the soul a bit. But also I’ve built some really good connections with my kids lately which goes really deep and I’m doing some really good reading which goes deep…so all of my “good” moments and feelings are deep and solid and not fleeting. They’re not necessarily “euphoric” levels of good, the good is not HIGH, but it is strong. Like…it’s an iceberg. I’m not blissfully joyful and filled with glee, but those moments that I’m feeling good are solid.
But the bad shit is heavy and hard to shake and has deep foundations AND is tall as a skyscraper. It’s hard for me to shake the personal conflicts in my life where I’m testing out new boundaries and then realizing they weren’t set right as wounds open up again etc. I’m still struggling to silence the voices that notice my weight gain in a negative light. I’m still experiencing a lot of existential dread and worry about my family as our economics are still a bit unstable.
So my mental health is still a roller coaster as always. Some areas are really solidly improving to give me great deep foundations of light and love but other areas are minefields of extreme depression and anxiety.
But I’m still here. Thank you so much if you reached out, it is always nice to know someone is thinking about me because sometimes, when I’m sinking, I feel very lonely and that was a gift of comfort to know that somebody somewhere thought, “Is Kim okay?”
Kim is okay. In some ways Kim is better than ever. But in other ways Kim is struggling the same way everyone is struggling right now. And she doesn’t quite know how to write here when her brain is bouncing around so much.
If you’re still here and reading. Thank you. I do have plans for the New Year. Not resolution type of plans, but focus type of plans. I want to try to calm the seas of my mind with dedicated focus in certain areas of study and I look forward to expounding on that more.
Until then, feel free to follow me on Instagram where I do try to update my stories at least once a day so you’ll know I’m still out there existing. I also update my Goodreads pretty regularly as I’m reading so much more now. I’m on Twitter but I mostly do a lot of re-tweeting of people smarter or funnier than me. But I’m still more active there than on my blog but if you are the least bit conservative, my Twitter activity will piss you off so I’d avoid it if you don’t want to hate me.
I’m here. Still sometimes laughing so hard I wet my pants but also sobbing alone in the car. I always contain multitudes.