Right now I’m sitting on a couch with no cushion covers because the dog got mud on his feet and ran all over the couch without us knowing on Tuesday. We washed the covers, but they’re taking awhile to dry in the cold so we’re on day 2 of blankets covering the bottom cushions and nothing covering the back cushions. And you know what?
I super duper don’t give a shit about it.
I also just drug out an old cumbersome comforter to use as a blanket while I sit on the couch instead of the more suitable – and easy to fold neatly – throw blankets. And there’s just shoes everywhere. On the coffee table, floor, kitchen counter (?) because I haven’t put everyone’s shoes back in days. There’s trash on the table and dirty dishes on the counter. It’s just a mess in here.
And me? NO SHITS.
I’ve never been a clean freak, there’s always dust on everything and windows aren’t clean unless Donnie does it and there’s dings in walls and crooked pictures on walls and dirty bathrooms etc. But I’ve always needed order to manage my anxiety. And I still don’t let the chaos reign for too long, I’ll get the covers on the couch and the shoes picked up eventually. But I look around and am very entertained by the fact I no longer stress out about a lot of the little things in my life.
I think the pandemic, economic distress, political chaos, and education bizarro world my family is living in right now has made me subconsciously eliminate as many small things as anxiety triggers as possible. It used to be that seeing the cushions without covers would stress me out a whole lot (THERE IS NO PROTECTION NOW AND WE ARE A FAMILY OF SPILLERS) but it’s like my brain has decided that there are too many big things causing me anxiety and to make room for all of those on a daily basis…I had to stop getting worked up about some of the little stuff.
I am not a cook but I still fix a meal every night for my family, even it’s it’s just cutting up bags of frozen shit and putting it in the skillet. I felt bad if we did leftovers or if I just didn’t have a plan.
But lately? I’ll just declare: IT IS FEND FOR YOURSELF NIGHT! There’s cereal! Stuff for sandwiches! Often some leftovers but definitely frozen veggie burgers and hamburger buns! FEED YOURSELF, HUMANS…I AM TAKING A NAP!
I mean, my family has no income. I’m a caregiver during the pandemic for my Mom who is a dialysis patient, but still have kids (trying) to attend public school. That school is currently shut down for ransomeware attacks. Also? What do I do about systemic racism? And the environment? And did you know a lot of eviction moratoriums are running out soon? I mean…I have all of this BIG REAL STRESS in my head ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME so I really appreciate that some part of my mind was like: Now is the time to relax a bit about whether or not shoes are siting on the coffee table.
So, thank you, brain. For some self-preservation shifts during the year of Satan, 2020. I owe you big.