Processing.

We were discussing our Criminal Minds watching situation last night…what room to watch it in…when Donnie looked at his phone and said, “Oh no!” and then turned to me and said, “RBG just died.”

I don’t remember what I was holding in my hand (my last shred of hope?) – but whatever it was I threw it to the ground and said, “No!” and leaned on the counter and started sobbing. My husband backed away slowly, my daughter came to wrap her arms around me, Wes asked from the computer, “What’s wrong with Mom?”

I went to my room and sobbed, I mean…tears on the desk in puddles sobbed…for a good 15-20 minutes. Through tears I posted my grief on social media so I could connect with other people who I knew would be in the same state I was in. I have been barely hanging on thinking about the political and cultural climate in our country and this…this was the thing that just broke me. It was like I collapsed under all of the fear that’s been growing in my heart the last 4 years. My tears reminded me so much of how I sobbed all night of the election in 2016.

I did what I tend to do when I’m feeling overwhelmed with feelings. I made something on Canva.

Then Mitch McConnell released a statement saying they would bring Trump’s nominee to the Senate. I’ll be honest when I tell you I was surprised. I have so many Trump supporting loved ones that I just still hold on to hope of decency and that the man who refused to allow Obama’s nominee a chance 9 months before the election, would stick to his convictions when faced on this side. Alas, no. He is not. And my sadness immediately turned to rage and I started walking around the house throwing the f-word around like it was the only word I knew how to use.

I took a Xanax. I grieved with all of my friends inside the computer. I raged and cried, weaving my grief and my anger up in baskets of emotions to leave out in the world. I tried to sleep. I failed miserably. I finally set the coffee to brew at 3am and accepted that sleep was futile.

I’m devastated. I’m angry. RBG deserved a calm and peaceful retirement when she didn’t have to worry about the state of the country and yet…she took moments in her death to issue official requests that her vacancy remain until after the election. That’s not fair. We did not deserve her.

2 thoughts on “Processing.”

  1. I started yelling “NOOOOO” over and over while we were eating dinner. I think I scared my children. I tried explaining through my tears why it was so sad and horrible, intermixed with the statement that we (women, minorities etc.) we so screwed. I am so tired of the hypocrisy of the Republican Party and the hatred in our world. The people celebrating her death like a victory. This year can’t end soon enough.

  2. It’s just the last straw in an endless string of last straws, isn’t it? And the hypocrisy of the Republicans is simply stunning to me. I literally do not know how they live with themselves.

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