I’m in the middle of a project to clean up the 8,000 entries in this blog. It started when my younger 2 kids suddenly decided the risk of embarrassingly material here related to them was uncomfortably high, so I simply threw 15+ years plus of entries into “draft mode” and I started from the first entries and skimming all of them using my my kid’s “embarrassment index” as a filter. But in the process I’m also trying to format them all to this new content management system and it’s newer structures which also requires hunting down old photos to add to old entries.
I did a quick delete of several hundred (or more?) entries that were “memes” that we used to do back in the blogging days and then as I go through them I’m basically deleting everything that I don’t think anyone will find interesting after I die. I used my blog a lot like I use Facebook now, chronicling the mundane in short posts several times a day. Last night I said to my husband, “I just deleted a post from 2004 where all I did was congratulate Boston Red Sox fans. Did I watch baseball in 2004?” Evidently it was a big win that everyone was talking about and so I guess I thought it was necessary to add a 3 sentence post on my blog about it.
I’m 10 months into the clean-up (it is not a fast process) and I’ve already deleted 2,000 entries. Now…a lot of those were not just from those 10 months because I filtered out those meme categories first, but I’m probably deleting at least 30 posts a month from that time period because I posted shit SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. It’s so very weird to realize that all of that stopped when widespread social media use started. I guess I don’t need to post 5 times a day anymore here, but between Instagram, Twitter and Facebook…I am posting that much on the internet somewhere.
I also wrote a shit ton about television which was easy to do as the Mom to one child who was 9’ish and who also enjoyed watching television. We watched a lot of reality TV back then and every time I comment on the show The Apprentice I want to punch that Kim in the face for even watching a show with our future President on it. I don’t remember liking the show at all and my commentary was minimal so hopefully I’m remembering correctly, BUT STILL…I WATCHED IT. I also used to watch Big Brother, Survivor, and The Amazing Race and so like 90% of the entries I am deleting are just comments/recaps on those shows because…I mean…when I die do we think my kids will want to read about what I thought about the contestants on those shows?
It’s definitely put me in a weird headspace about this blog. Like, I’m even writing this entry and thinking…Should I delete this one too? I keep thinking about how – with my Dad – I’ve hunted down every email he ever sent and every letter and every page in his notebooks that didn’t relate to work, just to “hear” him say something new. So, I know that headspace quite well. But…would I care his thoughts on his own past writings like I’m doing here? I guess periodic checkins like this serve the purpose as to say: Dear Kids who might want to read some of this nonsense after I’m gone, you owe me a lot of gratitude for deleting thousands of posts about shitty internet connections, bad reality tv shows, and irritating neighborhood drama…YOU ARE WELCOME.
I’m also embarrassed that I sometimes bitched about my ex-husband. That was unnecessary and I’m very mad at myself for using this space to do that. I can’t remember if he ever found out about my blog but I think he did and that was kind of a bitchy thing for me to do. My divorce is so far gone and we obviously both have new families to focus on, I guess I sometimes forget how sucky it was, and how sucky I was.
There are some funny stories from E’s childhood. Although I wrote a little too much about some random girlfriend he had in 2004. Something he would probably find entertaining as the gay man he is today. I left the basics in but deleted some of weird details I felt like it was important to chronicle. And I’m leaving in all of the frustrated posts about trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant because that was really how I developed my writing voice, writing about those struggles. And periodically there’s just a fun, “This is what we did!” post that I’ll dig out pictures for (all of the pictures from back then disappeared during one of the transfers) just to serve the purpose of a digital scrapbook. But for the most part? I’m probably deleting 80% of the nonsense I wrote back then.
I’m not re-publishing them yet. I’m constantly worried if I do that it will send all of these emails out even though I’ve figured out how to stop that…I JUST DO NOT TRUST IT. I may do that at the end of the 2004 filtration. Just push publish on what remained in case anyone is curious what my voice was back then.
All-in-all it’s an interesting process. It gives me a view into a life and a version of myself that I no longer find familiar which is strange. Here’s some pictures from some of those posts just to entertain you for now.