I had a televisit with my psychiatrist yesterday and he told me that I taught him something! Now…to use the words of my friend…of course it was an ANALYSIS that he commended me on, not any sort of actual action or adjustment or coping skill or tool. But who are we kidding, right? Of course I’m good at the analysis side…HAVE YOU READ MY BLOG? It’s always going to be the action part that trips me up.
We only ever talk for about 20 minutes or so but it’s always so much more productive than therapy is when I don’t actually have a specific issue I’m dealing with. Therapy was great when I was like, “My grief is overwhelming!” But when I’m like, “My general despair of the world is making me want to end it all,” my psychiatrist has always been the best. Therapy never feels effective when I don’t have a specific thing to talk about.
Anyway…he tends to catch me sometimes, from paths he knows are familiar for me. He was talking to me about my intrusive thoughts and suggested that maybe I say to myself, “After dinner tonight I’m going to think about that,” if I feel like something is distracting me. I got excited and said, “Okay! I’m a scheduler that’s a great idea!” and he stopped me and said, “Now, Kim. Let’s not make this something you’re going to beat yourself up about if you don’t do. If you put it on a schedule are you going to then feel guilty if you don’t get around to it?”
Yes. I would definitely do that.
His point was that sometimes if you say, “I’ll think about that later,” but then when the designated time comes you might find yourself saying, “Well…that’s not really something I want to think about right now,” kinda teaching yourself that these intrusive thoughts don’t really deserve your attention a lot of the time.
I don’t have another appointment scheduled until October because we are currently without insurance so cross your fingers for us that Donnie finds a job before then! (Or that I stumble upon the perfect work-from-home/flexible schedule/part-time job that would allow me to continue helping Mom and helping with my kid’s education.)