45.

Today is my birthday and I realized that I don’t like my age because it makes me think of the current President. Ugg.

Irregardless (I’m using that word intentionally…don’t be stingy with language) – I’m optimistic about this new year in my life. I think I’m shaking off some of the pandemic funk (or accepting it as the new normal) and I’m getting used to taking care of my Mom and so I’m back to being able to harness some of my tools to manage my anxiety and depression. It’s funny, there’s a fine line in managing my mental health between “okay” and “not okay” and it’s hard to see that line when I’m on the “not okay” side but when I’m on the “okay” side I’m like…Oh, yeah, that’s right…I can actually do this. I have tools and skills and can manage these episodes.

My medicine has been adjusted and while I don’t think we’re there yet, we’re close and definitely better. Again…you don’t realize how off your brain chemistry is until something is right again and then you’re like…oh yeah…that’s right…the proper medication helps so much. If you feel shitty sometimes you need your meds adjusted. I tell people that all the time yet it took me a few months of misery to recognize it in myself.

My husband quit his job which is stressful for our future but he is so much happier now so that helps as I’m an empath who soaks up other people’s feelings. He’s working on a few side projects for a bit before he starts looking again, and we’re lucky to have a safety net to allow him to do that for a bit. (We’re also lucky he’s a genius and I have no doubt he can find another programming job.)

I’m feeling optimistic. I’ve been on a good book-streak lately, which is how you know my mental health is better. When I am able to read? My brain is working to manage my anxiety and depression. When I’m really anxious and depressed? I can’t focus on books and while I know that…I still ignored it for months when I should have remembered: THIS IS A SIGN THAT THINGS ARE BAD, KIM, CALL YOUR DOCTOR.

I need to set an alarm on my Goodreads account that says if there’s been no activity in a few weeks to notify my doctor.

I’ve got a few health goals (NONE RELATED TO WEIGHTLOSS, OBVS) that I’m starting to work on. I’ve got a few lifestyle goals I’m working towards. Nothing I’m spelling out in black and white because I find absolutes trigger the part of my brain that says “All or nothing” and the second I falter I give up. So I’m just “trying to be healthier” and “trying to live better” with some vague changes in mindset that hopefully will produce concrete results.

I’m sorry I haven’t been here much lately. I hope to remedy that. Just like how when I’m not reading much I know my mental health is faltering, the same goes with blogging. I’m feeling better. Today’s my birthday and I’m looking forward to all of the attention because…I mean…what good are birthdays if you can’t use them as a means to A) control the radio and B) control the television and C) control the food choices for the day.

You can tell this girl was destined for a lifetime of worry.

14 thoughts on “45.”

  1. Happy, happy Birthday! I wish you a peaceful year ahead.

    I love that photo of you – I can see all three of your kids in it!

  2. Happiest of birthdays to you, Kim! Thank you so much for sharing your stories with us and letting us into your world. What a gift you are giving us. Wishing you comfort, joy, and peace in the year ahead. ??

  3. Long time lurker, here. I hated saying that I was 45 for that whole year because, well, it’s been a terrible number since 2016. I ended up being 46 for two years. 😉 Happy birthday! I hope you have a fantastic year.

  4. Happy Birthday, Kim! I hope you have a wonderful day and that the next year is a good one.

  5. I already said Happy Birthday on Facebook, but I’ll say it again here. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    And thanks for this: “Nothing I’m spelling out in black and white because I find absolutes trigger the part of my brain that says ‘All or nothing’ and the second I falter I give up.” I’ve never been able to express this so well as you did. This is where I lose the battle with so many things as well. Hoping you are finding success in your changes.

  6. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that picture of you. Looks like Wes. Happy Birthday!

  7. Happy birthday! Always happy to see a post from you! Take care! And remember 864511320.

  8. Happy birthday! I hope you’ve had a good day.
    I’ve found that when I’m down I stop reading too. Thankfully I’ve been able to read more lately which is nice. I hope you find some great books and enjoy them!

  9. Happy Birthday, friend. I recently told my kids that I’m skipping 45 (in September) and just moving to 46 b/c of the association, lol. I think of you daily and am sending tons of love & birthday wishes to you for a beautiful year.

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