If I had a dollar for every time I said, “This is a rough time for everyone,” to help ease the anxieties of people I care about…I’d be rich. I am constantly reassuring the people around me that their existential dread, or their sadness, or their loneliness, or their worry…is not abnormal. As a matter of fact…right now? It’s the norm. BE SUSPICIOUS OF ANYONE RELAXED AND FULL OF JOY RIGHT NOW.
But when I talk to myself? It’s another story. I don’t give myself the same grace. I try to squash those feelings of dread or sadness because it doesn’t help my family at all. So they’re doing great, existing in a healthy home allowing them to feel their feelings during all of this chaos. But I’m doing terrible because this shitty woman keeps telling me my feelings are not worth having.
Even now I just read that second paragraph and was like, “Kim…that’s too depressing. You haven’t written much uplifting here in AGES, you need to shake off this negative shit and just wait until you can think of something positive to post.”
It’s like…on paper and with others…I follow all of the mental health guidelines going around right now but for myself? Nope. You’re not allowed to feel bad and you’re not allowed to talk about feeling bad.
But I feel bad, y’all. Not in any worrisome way, just in common variations of the way everyone else is feeling bad right now. This week I’m really feeling a lot of anxiety over the fact that I’m questioning every step I make now that some elements of lockdown are being lifted and it seems like everyone disagrees on how that should look. I’m trying to trust the guidelines of my city officials but there are some people still saying that even running to that one store to pick up a shirt I ordered is dangerous…even if you’re wearing a mask and social distancing.
But…but…my Mayor and my Governor and my state health department head are all telling me it’s okay. If I can’t trust them, who can I trust?
There’s so much anxiety flowing through my body right now at just the UNKNOWN of everything. The pool is opening up with guidelines and protocol recommended by the CDC and the state health and rec departments. But…is someone going to make fun of us later if there’s an outbreak at our pool? Even if our city/state told us it was okay?
I understand mocking the people who are directly acting contrary to their local recommendations…but a lot of people are just doing what their local officials are telling them they can do. So, instead of making fun of them, why don’t we question why there seems to be SO MANY CONFUSING RECOMMENDATIONS FROM SO MANY QUALIFIED AND TRUSTWORTHY PEOPLE?
I’m also feeling a little bit of rage over how mean people are being. And honestly, it’s not even anything unusual…it’s not like there is new/extra snark/meanness. It’s just like normal levels of snarky are pissing me off. For 12 hours everyone was playing with the new Facebook avatar tool and it was cute and adorable and then, for the next 24 hours it was non-stop snarky remarks making fun of how everyone made their avatars prettier than they are in “real” life. Or just people snarking on it as a dumb activity anyway. I even saw a person snarking because we’re all so gullible by giving Facebook this data or something. I mean…can’t we just be silly and have fun for a bit without the CONSTANT follow-up wave of people mocking a popular activity?
These very small grievances or benign moments of snark are making me SO FULL OF RAGE and I don’t really know why other than…just…you know…general volatility right now. Someone posted about my favorite show and was like, “I tried, y’all…I HATE THIS SHOW!” and it just upset me SO MUCH. Like…why phrase it like that? Why not just say, “Not for me!” Why be so aggressive with your distaste and more importantly…WHY DOES IT UPSET ME SO MUCH?
It’s like if you are anything other than 100% gracious and kind then I’m raging at your meanness. If you’re not 100% supportive and empathetic to everyone? Then I’m mad at your cruelty. My sensitivity range towards snark has always been more extreme than most people but now? I HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE. I just want everyone to be NICE ALL THE TIME because this is tough and WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN?
(No one is really being that mean, I’m just over reacting, I know.)
There’s also some shitty things happening at my Mom’s apartment complex right now that are definitely, “People being unusually mean/harsh,” and that’s probably making me a little on edge because I’m just constantly pissed off about it but there is LITERALLY nothing I can do.
I don’t know…the overwhelming anxiety of WHAT DO WE DO AND HOW DO WE DO IT without clear/consistent agreement by everyone in charge; combined with my increased sensitivity to EVERYTHING NOT KIND is making me quite a bundle of negativity right now. It’s just a shroud of funk and irritation that has draped over me and I don’t know how to fix it and I’m not being very tolerant of it in myself right now because I keep thinking: NOW IS NOT THE TIME, KIM. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.