“Fuck it, then. There’s no point.”
This is what I said angrily to a member of my family this weekend in a very sucky moment of impatience. I don’t throw the F-bomb around often. I usually either save it for humor, or reserve it to direct at some third party I’m ranting about. I rarely (never?) use it to anyone’s face in anger. But this weekend my nerves were frazzled because *gestures wildly* and I did it and immediately regretted it and UGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
We had to cancel our vacation and I think I had been holding that in the back of my mind as a goal for escape for so long that cancelling it is really doing a number on my mental health. Whenever I had a bad/stressful/overwhelming day there was a part of me thinking: YOU WILL GET A BREAK AT THE BEACH. Our first beach trip in 10 years. (We are only 6 hours from the beach, EVERYONE around here takes beach trips and it was finally our turn!) And I don’t think I realized how much that carrot was helping me continue the race and now that it’s gone? It’s like this dread has just kinda settled in…this realization that THIS IS GOING TO SUCK FOR A VERY LONG TIME AND WE DON’T KNOW WHEN WE CAN RELAX AGAIN.
A friend of mine shared this image on Facebook this weekend and I was like: OH MY GOD I NEED THIS SHIRT SO BAD.
If you do a lot of the emotional labor in your family, you are even more exhausted than usual. More frazzled than usual. More raw than usual. There are so many extra things to worry about in general and it’s widespread so it’s just…a lot. It’s a lot for everyone but if you typically shoulder the majority of the emotional burden in your family, this has doubled your load. AND IT IS FUCKING EXHAUSTING.
Overall I’m handling everything much better than I would have thought if you had told me what the world was going to look like 6 months ago. But that doesn’t make the moments of weakness any easier to forgive myself for. I cried a fuckton this weekend. I maxed my situational benzodiazepine dosage. I barely slept at all. But my moment-by-moment handling if you look at the BIG PANDEMIC PICTURE is going better than I would have expected so I’m trying to be kind to myself. I’m also reseting very quickly and I would have thought that impossible in this situation. So, all in all? It could be worse.
Jesus. Please don’t get any worse.
I really could use that vacation, though.
I’m very paranoid about the energy I’m putting out on the internet right now. I’m constantly trying to find that balance between, “Trying to add some positive to the world right now,” and “But let’s not pretend like this shit doesn’t suck,” and I’m not sure I’m succeeding. I’m also very sensitive to anything even remotely like criticism because I’m exhausted and fried and so I’ve taken down about 15 Facebook posts that last few weeks that were just a hair past benign but I totally thought they upset someone and I DO NOT WANT TO UPSET ANYONE RIGHT NOW.
This is a very random bunch of miscellany but it’s all I have right now. It’s Monday. School for Wes, Dialysis for Mom, and a strangely long To-Do list full of things I’m dreading dealing with. (Like phone calls, can anyone make phone calls for me?)
Here’s to survival. Here’s to being kind to ourselves. Here’s to someday remember what it’s like not to worry about global pandemics.