Last week was GREAT. I handled the transition into home/blended/online school well and Wesley and I found a good rhythm and I was able to help my daughter with Math (I predict next year I won’t be able to be much help anymore) and I cooked many good meals and kept the domestic ship afloat even with more people at home all day to destroy the place. I felt good about myself and my attitude and my handling of the chaos.
But this week is the first week with all of that AND my Mom’s new dialysis schedule. (Did I update you on Mom? They sent her home from the hospital with a diagnosis of end stage renal failure which means dialysis forever. 3 days a week, 4 hours a session. FOREVER.) And I don’t know if it’s that or if it’s the fact that it got cold so running is not as desirable or the fact that my shin splints flared up so I’m not sure I’d want to run anyway or the overdose of Easter candy or what but I feel…just…off.
One minute I’m cracking up with a kid and the next minute I’m hiding in my bathroom crying because I’m overwhelmed by *gestures wildly at the world around her*. The internet is irritating me more and more because we’ve entered the SHAME EVERYONE phase of the pandemic and while I get it…I’m annoyed by a lot of things too…I’m not going to post my annoyance all over social media to shame everyone. THIS IS HARD AS FUCK and I just am not going to put more negativity out into the universe in the form of shaming people.
HA! Look! I shamed people on the internet! By making them feel ashamed by shaming people!
I’m also feeling really insecure lately. I don’t follow a lot of people I don’t know in real life on social media. None of those “influencer” types who make me feel bad about myself. I have very real friends who live very real lives and are very honest with their personal challenges but for some reason…ALL OF THEM ARE DOING ALL OF THIS PERFECTLY AND I FEEL LIKE I AM FAILING. Maybe I’m just suddenly aware of the beautiful homes in the backgrounds of photos and jealous of space for offices where I don’t have to be on camera for all of my husband’s meetings because his “office” is in the one main room of our house and I have to fix food periodically for the kids. Maybe I’m embarrassed I don’t bake more, or know how to bake. Maybe I’m ashamed I’m not being more active and that I’m eating more chocolate. I’m not reading ANY books and I’m not even watching ANY TV. I’m doing a lot of moping. I’ve been the queen of moping this week.
*shakes head a little and takes a deep breath*
Let’s try this a different way. I’m pivoting.
You need to quit comparing yourself to all of the amazing women you see on social media. You need to quit feeling ashamed for moping. This is a hard and difficult time for everyone. We are experiencing a global trauma and it is okay to not be okay. I’m not even going to list out all of the things on your plate right now as reasons why it’s okay you’re stressed. Do you know why? Because you could have NOTHING on your plate and it is STILL OKAY TO BE ANXIOUS. Anxiety is your brain and your body reacting to perceived stress by pushing chemicals through your blood that make you react with a fight or flight response and so it makes it hard to focus on anything but that stress. Take your medicine. Make a hot tea. Take a breath.
You are one human amidst billions and everyone is worried. It’s okay not to be able to focus on books or TV or anything because the world is a mess right now and our future is uncertain. The only thing you have control over is your actions. Take a moment to love yourself for surviving. You’ve made it to this point because you’ve survived all of the points before and for that you deserve an abundance of love from YOURSELF. Love yourself, Kim. You deserve that right now. Find ways to harness that love. Maybe just a slow walk in the woods. Maybe quiet meditation on gratitude. Maybe a long bath. Just take a few breaths and center yourself on love for yourself.
And then…when you feel up for it, try to put that love out into the universe in any way you see fit. But not until you’re ready. Fill your cup. Take the time. Don’t beat yourself up because other women don’t need to do the same thing. You are You. You have your own needs because your body and your mind and your histories are all different and if you need time to manifest self love before you can even thinking of posting baking videos or art projects on social media…DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT. Just focus on your soul and what your soul needs so you can serve the people who need you.
Here’s to all of us taking a minute to be kind to ourselves in these moments. Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Literally. Anyone. Just focus on what YOU need. Take a breath. Let yourself be tired and anxious and scared and worried. All of that is okay and expected.
Love to you all and love to myself.