I share a lot of my personal life with you guys. Sometimes more than what I share with my family, not because I don’t want to, but sometimes it’s easier to just pretend like no one is listening over here. I sit down to unload personal stuff and I tell myself I’m just venting into the void. I don’t have to wrestle as much with shame or embarrassment about personal issues when I can pretend no one is listening. There are times I have written about my lowest points here and no one in my real life (who doesn’t read my blog, which is basically everyone) knew it was going on. Because as much as I talk about normalizing healthcare, it’s sometimes still hard to say to someone who has never weathered the same type of storm, “I’m really struggling in the darkness right now.”
Luckily with the help of you guys, this space, and professionals who talk to me or give me meds…I always come out of the darkness.
So it’s very weird to feel like I’m about to burst with anxiety and not be able to write about it. I mean, I’m not really in the same type of darkness, but my worry levels are more intense than they’ve ever been which makes just about everything else in my life seem in turmoil.
And I can’t even really tell you what’s worrying me.
I know that’s everyone’s least favorite type of writing: “There’s a big thing I need to talk about, but can’t…” Yet here I am.
I was thinking about this today in particular because I saw someone on Facebook ask for “unspecified prayer requests” and I was like, “DAMN. What is the atheist version of that?”
So I figured I’d come here and try out an atheist version.
Currently there are many BIG and SERIOUS and SEVERE stresses in the lives of the people I care about, and in the lives of people I’m responsible for in many different ways. None of which I can write about because they are not mine, but all of which are keeping me from sleeping with worry. They are all pushing me behind closed doors to cry in private or sending me on fake errands to sob in my car.
I don’t know what else to say other than: There is a lot on my plate right now. A lot of things that could change the shape of our lives in many different ways and I’m just overwhelmed and could use…I don’t know…thoughts? I mean, y’all know me, I’ll also take prayers. I love people praying for me, because it means you’re thinking about me. It just feels weird to ask for prayers as a non-believer.
Just please know that there is a shit ton going on and if you see me out and about and want to sit down and listen to me vent for 5-8 hours…I will take probably take you up on it.