What I Desire.

I’ve only missed blogging two days so far this year which is pretty good considering my crazy live had me only blogging a few times a week last year. I know it’s silly, the daily blogging things, but I have always felt like days that start with some sort of a brain dump are better days in my world and since therapy is expensive and not usually available at 5am, this is the best kind of brain dump for me.

I’ve been super-frazzled lately with the chaos of high school sports and relocating my Mom and I’m trying to come up with some solid dependable routines to keep me from spiraling into a complete Productivity Zero state of life which is what I do when I get overwhelmed. I did a walk yesterday when I got home from dropping off the kids, first time I’ve walked in weeks. It was good, I put in my daily podcasts and hit my favorite 5K’ish route in my neighborhood which took me about an hour. Good start to the day.

I don’t want to admit that I stepped on a scale recently but my jeans weren’t fitting comfortable anymore and I kinda wanted a feeling for how much I had gained because while I’m trying to get away from weightloss/weightgain mindsets…I really don’t want to have to buy new clothes every season because I keep gaining weight. Last winter I was 30bls heavier than the one before so I bought new jeans and a few tops. For our trip to NYC I bought a few more pants so I have a good winter wardrobe for this body which I have no problem with.

I have gained 10lbs since New York which is not quite into “Need new clothes” territory but I’m definitely avoiding some items now. I am doing my best not to think about that number, but more about the things that might have lead to this. Like…I haven’t done hardly anything even remotely close to exercise since before Christmas and I’ve increased my sugar consumption (mainly in the form of peanut butter M&Ms) and beer drinking quite a bit.

So I’m trying to think about those things…the things that have a bearing on my health and not the weight gain. Because while I’d love to just release myself from all thoughts about my body, I can not afford new clothes again. I felt like I had kinda stabilized at 165’ish (which, if you’ll recall, marks me as “obese” on the BMI scale which my doctor doesn’t not rely on as anything but another metric, but still insists on cataloging it every trip) and so I felt safe buying clothes for that body and I don’t want to have to do that again.

So. I went for a walk yesterday.

I use Strava to track my activities and so my 1-hour walk got published and all of my friends who ran 50Ks this weekend gave me “kudos” and I hate to admit it but it sent me into a HUGE spiral. Like…I just sometimes am so embarrassed about where I’m at compared to where I used to be in terms of fitness.

Now, in terms of body love I’m in a better place. I don’t spend as much time hating my body as I used to…I don’t spend enough time loving it still, but not hating it is huge. However, I ran a 110K 3 years ago and most of my friends are still doing those kind of things and I’m just sad I’m not out there doing it with them and I want to be but I also have so far to go to get back there and I’m not sure I even have that desire anymore.

But I do desire to be healthy and active. I do desire to be able to go on hikes with my friends and not slow them down. I do desire not to have my kids have to deal with my preventable health issues when they are older. I do desire to feel like I have energy. I do desire not to have to buy new clothes every year because I keep gaining weight.

So I’ll walk again today. And see if I feel better.

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