In case you missed the post-note on the previous entry, I did NOT break my writing streak. When I clicked “publish” yesterday morning something must have hung things up (often it’s an internet connectivity issue) because it didn’t actually publish which I didn’t notice because I immediately hit the road to Knoxville. I noticed when I sat down to write this morning so I published and back-dated it and I feel comfortable in just blaming it on a technical difficulty and NOT making it affect my 2020 blogging streak.
When I’m sleeping in Knoxville on the days I’m in town cleaning/packing/etc like I am now, I do not sleep well. It’s like the magnitude of all that has to be done to get Mom to Huntsville feels overwhelming and impossible. When I’m awake or even sleeping in Huntsville, it’s no big deal! I can do it! Little steps at a time! But when I’m neck deep in packing and cleaning and planning I can’t sleep because my night time brain is all, THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH TO DO IT WILL NEVER GET DONE AND YOU ARE INSANE FOR TRYING.
Last night my brain just kept playing out the day we rent the truck and I just kept worrying about boxes of fragile things because we are not professional packers and so…well…you know. However, this morning, awake Kim is logical and playing the “Worse Case Scenario” game to calm worries and as I walk through the path of, “So what if that box of china breaks…” I really don’t end up anywhere unconquerable and so my anxiety calms. I mean, my Mom would not be thrilled but she’s not going to be all, “THAT IS IT! I AM NOT MOVING TO HUNTSVILLE BECAUSE YOU BROKE MY GRANDMOTHER’S CHINA!” So there’s no reason for those worries to keep me up.
BUT HOLY CRAP THEY DID.
I also reminded myself this morning that I’ll be making a few trips to/from before the day we load the truck so there’s nothing that says I can’t throw some fragile boxes in my car each trip! Get them safely to Huntsville not on the truck.
Of course none of that calmed me while I was tossing and turning last night. NOTHING could calm me between the hours of 1am and 4am. I was just awake and thinking about all of the things that might be lost or could get broken on this big move. None of my anxiety tools were helping. No breathing. No games. No resets. Nothing.
I do have medicine for situational anxiety but I don’t like driving with it in my system and by the time I really started to get frustrated with my anxiety I was getting too close to when I’d be driving for the day and there’s TERRIBLE STORMS TODAY on top of everything so…you know…THAT DOESN’T HELP MY ANXIETY IN THE SLIGHTEST.
Anyway…I do have help this trip. My mother-in-law came along and she’s very much a task master/work horse which is exactly what I need now that we’ve entered the “packing boxes” phase. We’re not doing too much more this morning before we hit the road back home but yesterday we got a lot done because there was someone else to keep me focused so I didn’t find myself just sitting down and being overwhelmed randomly like I do when I’m here alone.
This is all for a good purpose though. When Mom gets to Huntsville everything will be so much easier. I won’t have to decide when to come to Knoxville for various medical issues and I won’t have to worry about finding help for my family while I’m gone. I’ll be able to help her at her house and help her get groceries and such and so I’ll worry about her less. Everything will be SO MUCH EASIER with her in Huntsville and so that’s what I keep thinking about.
BUT MAN…this interim period is rough. Transitions are always hard but especially when they require so much physical effort. I already hate moving but doing it on a large scale (from one state to another) and with someone else’s stuff (which I worry about more than my own) makes it even more difficult!
Onward and Upward!