This post starts with general discussion about gossip, but get’s very into-the-weeds with very specific blogger references so if you are not part of the MommyBlogging world from yesteryear and don’t have knowledge of any drama then you’re probably going to want to check out in a few paragraphs.
I don’t have a lot of energy to hold personal grudges. Every once in awhile, when I’m meditating on such things or writing about such things, I dig up old hurts to remind myself: Yes. That thing happened and No, I don’t really care anymore.
It’s not anything noble or wise, it’s just survival. I can’t carry around that shit any longer than I have to because I have too much other shit I’m carrying around and personal grudges feel very self-indulgent.
But also? I’ve done the type of shit that gives people permission to carry around hatred towards me. I AM NO ANGEL. Before I met Donnie, I shit all over the world around me in 100 different ways. This current version of my life – the one with Donnie – is the cleanest version…but even this one has it’s minor sins. And there’s just a huge part of me that copes with the knowledge that people carry around anger towards me, by letting go of my anger towards those that have wronged me.
All of this is to say that I don’t actually know anything about what Dooce wrote about on her last blog post. (This is where you can jump off if you don’t even know who Heather/Dooce is.) And for the record? Her stories are still no worse than mine of yesteryear…if you’re disgusted by the behavior of her past you would DEFINITELY be disgusted from mine.
I’ve had rumors dumped on me before – but because I’ve been on the other end of scandalous rumors I didn’t dig or search for the truth. Especially since none of it affected my personal life or anyone I had close personal relationships with. I just let it go. I’ve never changed my feelings about anyone involved in any of these “rumors” because I’ve never had anything but kindness from anyone who may or may not be involved. And for the record: I DO NOT KNOW FOR SURE WHO WAS INVOLVED. Partly because I never cared to dig into the rumors and partly because if I don’t have the energy to hold onto personal grudges, I’m sure as hell not going to hold on to people’s grudges who I don’t even have close relationships with.
I think maybe people have talked to me about bits and pieces of speculation of this drama over the years via social media, or maybe I’ve accidentally stumbled upon it here or there, but it is nothing I’ve carried with me. I don’t know who is on whose side and I don’t know who thinks who did what thing worse.
I’m putting all of this out there because since she wrote it, I keep accidentally stumbling upon conversations on social media where bloggers I’m closer to are weighing in and obviously have “sides” they have chosen and now I’m wondering if I’m on a list somewhere as “Team A” or “Team B” or “Team C” or however many teams there are and are there people who dislike me by association of what team they think I may or may not be on.
I DO NOT KNOW ENOUGH OR WANT TO KNOW ENOUGH TO CHOOSE SIDES.
The only irritation I carry – and it’s very slight – is over the years there have been times when I’ve voiced my support of Heather in various very benign ways and I’ve had gossip and anger and hurt dumped on ME. It seemed as though I made people angry just by liking her. I’ve never even been a part of any of the drama and yet I think I was supposed to dislike her or something? And the method was to give me bits of salacious gossip that I did not ask for and that was none of my business as rando in Alabama.
Like…obviously someone thought, Oh. If I tell Kim this thing she’ll definitely not like her either. But that’s just not the way my brain works. Unless I’m affected directly, I push that shit aside and leave it to never be thought of again. And honestly? Even if I was affected directly I would still eventually push that shit aside because there’s not enough room in my brain.
So this is my public declaration that I have never experienced anything but kindness from Heather or anyone else in the circle that this drama intersects so I do not have a “side.” I don’t even really know who the players in her story are because I don’t trust random gossip thrown at me over the years but even if I did, I don’t know any of those players any better than I know her. They are all just friends on the internet that I’ve connected with over shared experience over the years.
I support Heather cleaning out her soul of secrets because I’ve carried those burdens and they SUCK. I also have been on the wrong side of unchecked gossip as I walked up onto a group of peers once – 21+ years ago on campus – to hear a scandalous AND VERY ILLEGAL story about myself that was not true.
You start taking gossip very seriously when you find out the rumor mill has made you a criminal.
I just love and support everyone, y’all. Honestly. I didn’t think there was going to be any ripples of her story into my life because I have no part of it, but it turns out a lot of my blogging peers have thoughts about it and it does seem a lot of my peers dislike Heather and if I’m stumbling upon the negative conversations about her without even being part of them or seeking them out, how much of that does she see? I just can’t imagine.
I will end this by just saying that I have had so many awesome interactions with “big name bloggers” from back in the day before we called them “influencers” – stories that I would love to share but jeezus, I have no idea who is involved with this saga and I’m terrified of suddenly taking sides without meaning to. I’ve been following some of these women for longer than I’ve been writing and I still support their work and their voices and their stories because no one has personally wronged me and I still find inspiration from their creative outlets…whether it’s writing or photography or videos or tweets.