Liberating.

I did absolutely nothing of note yesterday to start 2020 on any sort of “right foot”.

I’m back in Knoxville for a few more days to finalize the once-over of the clean-out before the real packing of Mom’s condo begins. Yesterday was also the launch of the new design I’ve been helping with at Rocket City Mom. So, I woke up alone on the first day of 2020 after sleeping on a couch in my Mom’s condo in a town that’s not mine with a big freelance project wrapping up as well as final areas to work on at Mom’s. SO! The conditions were not ideal for a mindset to focus on fresh starts and new beginnings. Instead I was in a type of work-mode that I’ve been switching to on these trips.

But having the excuse was kinda liberating. I mean, I had already freed myself of any sort of bind of concrete resolutions or goals…but not even having to question every peanut butter M&M (my favorite candy) or lack of exercise as some sort of commitment to the entire year was lovely. It was just another day and I was just doing another thing.

There’s a lot liberating about life lately. There is a magical freedom that comes with aging that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I don’t stress out about what people think of me anymore. At least not like I used to. I’ll never be free of the general social anxieties that plague me in unknown situations or large gatherings, but the Young Adult mindset of worrying about being accepted by the right people or being seen as the right type of person has long been gone. Sometimes I meet people and hope I get invited into their circle, but if I don’t then I assume it wasn’t met to be. Whereas younger Me would have tried to shift who I was and keep trying for acceptance.

I also find myself accepting the path my kids are on more and not being hyper-analytical of the ways I might be screwing them up. I mean, I’m doing my best and am parenting the ways I see fit, but I’m not constantly wondering if I’m making the right decisions and imaging scenarios in which things backfire on me. I’ve accepted that things are going to backfire on me but I have no way of know which things so I do my best and just hope that they are comfortable asking for help from someone (even if it’s not me) if they need it someday.

Maybe moving Mom is just pushing more practical and immediate things to the forefront of my Worrying Brain and so the normal daily worries are getting a break for once.

Either way, I did find a certain amount of freedom yesterday from my typical anxiety that falls on the first day of the year. And if that’s a trend that continues then I’ll take it.