I’ve got to keep this one short (and probably without proofing because I don’t have much time) because I’ve been wasting time this morning reading everything I can for my first subway ride and I’m terrified and I can’t think of anything else. Also? Don’t let my pictures fool you, I’m definitely having moments of panic. Not as many as I thought, but they’re very much happening and I’ll get more into that later.
But in short: We started the day yesterday at by riding the Tram to Roosevelt Island and it was perfect and lovely and only a little scary but not crowded so it was no big deal. Roosevelt Island is amazing. Just a mostly-residential island with a gorgeous walking patch around the perimeter and some beautiful parks at either end.
We also later went to MoMA which has been closed for renovations for awhile and we also went to a Rangers game.
Partly because we walked 30,000 steps, partly because we were out late, and mainly because it turns out evening walking in NYC is rough on my soul, I had to fight of panic the whole 35 minute walk back to the hotel last night. And then I shame-spiraled into apologies and tears to Donnie when we got back.
I think the crowds and sounds are rough, but at night there’s just so much SAD happening. Homeless people are settling into their nooks and cranies, or they’re trying to approach people for money, or they’re holding signs that say, “HOMELESS AND PREGNANT” or they’re just pulling down their pants in a bus stop to do who knows what and it’s just too much for my empathetic, inexperienced, small-town soul. Everything you read tells you to just keep moving, you can’t help everyone, the city doesn’t want to encourage panhandling etc etc etc. But at night, it’s all right there and I become very overwhelmed with sadness and I was doing my best to keep my panic under control with my breathing but it’s also garbage day and so we’re passing everyone’s piles of trash as I’m trying to breathe deep and not cry while see so many people in need but also it’s so crowded and loud and…well…it was just too much.
It was a great day over all, every day has been great overall, but I don’t want my smiling selfies to give off the wrong impression. There are moments of intense struggle and I’m doing better than expected but I’m not doing great and when I “fail” at managing my anxiety it always triggers a shame spiral where I’m dualing “I’m so sorry…” and “But at least be proud of how much I’ve done…” sob-filled rants to my husband who struggles to navigate my panicked spirals when he’s also tired and worn out and also sore from the death grip I kept on his hand for 45 minutes.
We’re braving the subway today. This is the part I’ve been the most scared of the whole trip. Finger’s crossed. If I can relax after this I’ll try to share more photos and such tomorrow. Otherwise, check my instagram…there’s more there!