My Brain On Anxiety

When I have big things looming (and “big” is always relative) that cause me a lot of worry, one of the safety measures my brain takes is to – WITHOUT MY PERMISSION – dispose of anything that comes up while I’m worried about something “big” and say, “Let’s just don’t fret about this…okay?” and I honest to god…FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.

For example, I’ll be standing in the line at Publix and I’ll get a text or a Facebook message that will require a bit of effort to respond to. So, I’ll tell myself, “Let’s do that when we get out in the car,” because I do NOT want to be the girl using voice-to-text while waiting to buy her groceries.

But then…WITHOUT MY PERMISSION…instead of putting that “To Do” item in temporary holding until I get to my car, my brain throws it in the trash. My brain says, “She’s already worrying about too much…she doesn’t need this too…” and then I forget about the thing ENTIRELY until I see the message in a text months later when I go to text the person about something unrelated to the months-old text.

Another specific and recent example: Wesley had an appointment with his orthopedic surgeon in early October. After the x-ray they said (finally), “We are ready to schedule the pin removal procedure.” This was GREAT news because we are SO SICK OF THIS BROKEN ARM. Unfortunately, they’re scheduler was gone so they said, “She’ll call you on Monday, or if you’d rather you can call our office here and connect you to her.”

I told myself, “I will DEFINITELY call her, I need that on the schedule STAT.” But part of my brain said, “Yeah…but they said she would call you so you don’t really have to worry about that,” and the item was thrown in the trash immediately without my permission.

Fast-forward TWO WHOLE WEEKS LATER and someone asks me, “When does Wes get his pins out?” And I was all, “Oh, shit. They never called. AND I NEVER CALLED!” SO I immediately did the thing I do when I panic about remembering something and said, “Hey Siri, remind me to call Wesley’s Orthopedist about surgery to remove his pins.” To which she said:

CLOSE ENOUGH, SIRI.

I do try to periodically (once a day at best) go through those reminders and so I did finally call but I was so irritated with myself for just throwing that task away. If I could keep my bullet journal open in front of my face all the time this would not happen, unfortunately most of the time these situations happen when I’m driving or at a ball game or in line at the store when I can’t get it out easily if at all.

So, does your brain throw things away without your permission as well? Do you surprise yourself about how easily you can forget to SCHEDULE YOUR CHILD’S SURGERY? Or is this just me.

4 thoughts on “My Brain On Anxiety”

  1. OMG. THIS IS MY LIFE.
    sorry for screaming typing but I wanted you to get the full effect. you are not alone sister. at all.

  2. ALL..THE.TIME. When I’m overloaded, these are always the first things to get put aside, and like you, I then forget! You are not alone in this.

  3. I process these things differently, which is one of the things I love most about reading your blog. I get so much insight and learn so much! I really appreciate when you share these things with us. I think I’m the opposite – I will allow myself get consumed by all the little things specifically in avoidance of the big ones. I joke that I get SUPER productive when I am procrastinating.

  4. My brain definitely does this. Or what annoys me more is when it doesn’t throw the thing in the trash…but it will only remind me about the thing while there’s NOTHING I can do about it. Like during a long run or while I’m driving. It’s so frustrating.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s