For all of the times I preach about how important it is on issues around race and white privilege to “sit with discomfort” so you can be open to the lessons it has to teach you…I SUCK AT IT WHEN IT COMES TO THERAPY AND MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH.
Recently I’ve been getting back to therapy and just in an offhand comment unrelated to the meat of my counseling, my therapist suggested that maybe I quit with the self-deprecating “old lady” jokes. I responded that aging is not something I’m insecure about so it really is just me being silly and then I blew off her suggestion because it made me uncomfortable.
And of course…OF COURSE…later it hit me: But I am NOT an old lady. I mean, I’m only 43 so joking about being an “old lady” is planting negative self-talk and even if I’m trying to be funny about it, negative self talk is still negative self talk even if it makes us laugh. I don’t need to constantly be the butt of the joke and maybe if I’ve reached a point of personal enlightenment I can claim that self-deprecation is just funny and not hurtful. BUT I AM NO WHERE NEAR ENLIGHTENMENT IN THE WORLD OF SELF LOVE, so maybe I need to step back the jokes since they way out-balance the compliments I might give myself. In a perfect world – I talk to myself with kindness and love 1,000 times a day and THEN I can claim the self-deprecating jokes do no harm. But the truth is…I’m still a work in self-love progress and my therapist knows that, so maybe I need to step back on the “old lady” humor until I’ve reached a better place of self-love.
DAMMIT. I HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE ELSE KNOWS MORE ABOUT ME THAN I DO.
Now…the SAME THING happened this week with a few of you lovely commenters. I had to walk away after reading a few of them and say, “No. That’s not me. Nope.”
AND OF COURSE YOU ALL KNOW ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF.
When it’s REALLY hard to sit with something, and my first instinct is to walk away and say, “Nope. That’s wrong. That’s not me.” I think my subconscious maybe is actually sitting with the thing because I woke up at 3am thinking about a few of your comments and came back and read them and said, “Shit. They’re right. THEY ARE ALL RIGHT.”
Yes. My anxiety brain is 100% combining to help people gaslight me. OH MY GOD THAT IS SO WHAT IS HAPPENING. And yes…the outside negative voices are amplifying the ones that are already in my head! AND YESSSSS, I am really into punishing myself! Stop punishing yourself! Life is too short!
Anyway…my point is? Thank you for taking the time to comment on my posts and to share your thoughts. Because I snark a lot about assvice, I haven’t created a really positive environment to share your actual helpful comments, so thank you for braving it anyway. I held every positive comment in my heart this week and every lovely note of helpful perspective sat with me even while I slept. This place has always been my safe place to be myself and it’s because my words are always held so lovingly and returned to me wrapped in love and wisdom.
My dog just sneezed on my lap so I think that’s a good time to end this post. I just wanted to send my love to you all. School is out here, I created a beautiful rainbow spread for the first full week of summer, my kid went to a fancy event for work and had his picture taken with the mayor, and I’ve got tickets to a drag brunch on Sunday so life is good and there’s still plenty of time for growth and self-love. Thank you for joining me on this journey.