In my many many years of self-reflection and my many paths to finding the best me I can be, I have made the same mistake over and over again and it just hit me this week.
I am constantly focusing on what needs to be fixed.
Whether I’m trying to improve my spending or my relationships or my parenting or my health, I’m always focusing on what I’m trying to change to be better and I never seem to allow time to focus on everything I’m doing right or improvements I’ve already made or things I’ve had a handle on for a long time.
I’ve adjusted my morning/evening routines to add some small journaling exercises. One of the things I do in the morning is write a few sentences of reflection, usually relating to my affirmation that I also write. But after two days it hit me that both of my reflections follow the: “I struggle with [insert struggle here] so I’m going to try [insert solution here].” The first two days that’s where my morning reflection default mode was, to write about my struggles. When I finished yesterday I thought: Where’s the love?
I mean, of course I want to be better in many ways, I want to always work on being the best me I can be so that I don’t become complacent. BUT! One of the areas I need the most work is self-love and how can I improve love of self if I’m constantly focusing on the things I need to improve? And now that I’ve reflected on that for a little while I realize I have done this my whole life.
When I was a kid I was hyper aware of my sins and only feeling good about myself the second I walked out of confession. When it comes to my health I tend to give the binge/couch days all of my attention and don’t spend enough time celebrating the successes. I berate myself for my parenting slip-ups without even giving 1/10th of the same attention to my parenting victories.
So I’m going to modify my morning journaling and I’m going to spend the rest of the month reflecting on things I can celebrate in my life. Conquering many anxieties, harnessing super-hero amounts of patience at homework time, being a supportive spouse and friend.
True story: even as I wrote those things my brain was thinking about all of the exceptions to those statements.
THIS IS PROOF I NEED TO RATTLE MY BRAIN A BIT.
It seems my default mode is constantly: WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? And I think I need to grease up the gears in the part of my brain that sees the all of the things I also do RIGHT.
(STOP IT, KIM!)
Anyway. I started this morning using my “reflection” page to write about something positive but holy CRAP it was difficult. Let’s see if I can do it again for 10 more days and then maybe I’ll be more naturally be able to do both…focus on areas that need improving while also celebrating the awesomeness that is me.