My dog is not a morning person, so if I get up early enough he just stays asleep while I do my morning writing. But, if he wakes up to go outside once, he wants to go back to sleep after, so he puts his head on my body/arms when I sit on the couch with my laptop and proceeds to growl at me to pet him. I tried to move to the table to write (now that we have one) but then he just growls at me from afar. You see…I’m trying to be QUIET in the mornings and not wake up Donnie and my dog KNOWS THIS and so he just keeps doing it until I oblige and pet him until he falls back to sleep.
So now he’s finally back to sleep and I’m trying to remind myself…what were you going to write about again? And also…I think I need to go to the bathroom but now I have this 50lb sleeping dog on my lap that I’m afraid to wake up in fear of starting the ENTIRE CYCLE ALL OVER AGAIN.
And to think, at one point in my life I had to two children under 3, 2 cats, and 3 dogs. I should just cope before Past Kim comes back to punch me for whining about this tiny inconvenience.
I think about Past Kim a lot. Some days I try to figure out where things changed and I went from Girl Who ran 100 miles a week, worked 30 hours a week, and volunteered on two boards to Girl Who gained 40lbs, only runs/walks 5 miles a week on a good week, lost her job, quit her volunteer gigs, and reads a lot.
Sometimes I say when did things “go wrong” – but then I realize there’s a lot more that’s okay with my life that wasn’t before. My mental health is better, not great, but much more stable than it was for a few years there. My highs are not as high but my lows are not as low either and my average level is SO MUCH HIGHER than it was before. So, it’s not like “when did things go wrong” even though with the drop in running and rise in weight it’s easy for me to think of it like that.
I always like to find one thing that I can “blame” for some of the downslides but there’s really not for me because while some things slid down, others slid up. But I think it all falls in line with the year 2016 when I peaked in terms of fitness/speed/body when I ran a 110K in January and was at my lowest modern day weight, then we put our house back on the market the SECOND time and it finally sold in December of 2016. So, with the insanity of trying to sell our hard-to-sell house a second time, combined with the poison of the 2016 Election and coming off of a peak fitness year, it seems that is the time where my life fell apart and had to be put back together.
But that I’ve done. I’ve put it back into working order. I’m 30lbs heavier but we settled into a new house – essentially our dream house with ugly bathrooms. I lost my job, but that paled in comparison to the months of travel helping my Mom after her wreck and that’s not even touching on the chaos involved with Nikki starting a magnet program across town and the restructuring that has happened in Donnie’s professional life. And now? Here we are going into a new year where I think the dust of all of the 3 years of insanity has settled and we can find our new normal.
That’s what I’d like from 2019. Some standard normalcy. Where we can find good routines and I can pursue some writing/business dreams I haven’t had time to pursue before. Where I can get back into running and cooking but not so much that I drop my reading habit which has been the thing that has brought me into the light again. I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVE READING. I hate that I traded that for running before…NOT THIS TIME. In 2019 my goal is to do it all in moderation. I think I’m going to set my goal for 50 books this year and run a few half-marathons instead of 0 books/110K or 0 races/100 books.
Past Kim may have run 110K and weighed 30lbs less, but she had a lot of other personal stuff ripping apart her soul and those storms have settled and Present Kim is building a much better foundation to build upon so that things won’t shatter under the slightest weight.
Unless that weight is a 50lb dog on her wrist while she types.