I’ve had a rough week. Partly because I climbed a mountain (literally) that I had been training to climb all summer and while the experience soothed my soul…I suddenly felt lost without a new challenge. I’m also struggling with spending so much time in Knoxville now that my kid’s have started school because I feel like I’m missing so much of their lives. I want to be there for them. I want them to be able to come to me for more than Facetiming with homework help. I want them to snuggle with me on the couch before bed. But when I have to drive my Mom to work 3 days a week, that’s 3-4 days I can’t be there with the kids. Especially when you add on her doctor’s appointments etc.
So, I did what I always do when I struggle, I binged and made myself sick soothing my sadness and anxiety with 100 different times of bad-for-me-foods.
<insert long dramatic sigh here>
But today is the start of a new month. Saturday always feel new to me anyway because – while I look at my calendar’s with a Monday start for the week – I like going into Monday with a good strong weekend of self-care and accomplishments. SO! I got up early, started some laundry and housework, and am going for a run before the kids have soccer. I did so little last week in terms of physical activity that my Garmin dropped my step goal by almost 5,000 steps.
My watch is so disappointed in me.
I know that when you put a lot of weigh on a “beginning” you are kinda setting yourself up for failure, but I also know what a downward spiral looks like and where it ends if you don’t stop it for a year. This weekend represents my “failure” from last year – my attempt to run 100 miles and my resulting failure. Several friends are running the same event this year. My FB memories is filled with photos from the event last year. From that event forward last year, I really struggled with finding joy in running again. And I’ve only recently found it again.
So I’m putting some hope in a beginning again. To try to stop the spiral away from who I want to be. I want to be active and healthy and not eating a whole bag of chips and french onion dip in one sitting because I can’t help my kids with their homework in person.
I’m also taking a cue from my oldest child and am going to try to do daily journaling. Except I’m going to do it here. I’m going to try to write a little something every day here, even if its just a status update. This is the last month I’ll have to be in Knoxville to drive Mom around. If all goes well, she’ll get her driving privileges back October 7th. So I’m going to try to keep my well-being in check by just forcing myself to at least post about my well-being every day. So, there will be more activity around it, but it will be boring as hell.
Here’s to surviving September 2018 and not letting it trigger the downward spiral that September 2017 triggered last year.