Yesterday afternoon/last night did not represent my best parenting. We had a great morning with friends but then we had to shift into “school prep” mode and organize the school supplies and plan our trip back into town when I started to get worried we might run into problems on the schedule because the kid’s orientations are SO CLOSE TOGETHER and yet on OPPOSITE SIDES OF TOWN and I just didn’t know if I was going to be able to make it. So, I did what I always do when I get stressed, I lost my patience with my kids.
When I lose my patience with my kids I either A) Start nagging them about EVERY LITTLE THING or B) I yell at them for very VERY small infractions. Last night, I evidently couldn’t decide which was better so I did BOTH. I was REALLY hard on Wesley so he and I went out and ran some errands for my Mom and talked and I had to PROMISE him I wouldn’t yell at him before he’d go with me. (That made me feel GREAT, by the way.) We had a long talk about stress and the proper ways to manage it (as in: NOT the way I was doing it) and we had a nice outing and I made things right with him.
Then I got back to Mom’s, settled in with my laptop to re-read all of the back-to-school emails to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything, and then promptly made Nikki cry. Like, a LOT. I was terrible. So then I had to let my wave of frustration pass while she sat there trying to stop crying and also trying to make me less angry. (That made me feel GREAT, by the way.) Finally, I was able to take a few deep breaths and have a long talk with HER about stress and the proper way to manage it (do you see a trend here?) and we hugged a lot and we both cried and I tried to make things right with her too.
I asked them both for Do Overs. I asked if I could wake up today and just pretend like the previous day hadn’t happened. I asked if I could try to have just a day going back to being a good Mom and not think about how terrible I was last night. They both told me that was fine.
I know this was just a downswing of parenting. I’m not looking for consolation or advice, so I’m closing the comments because I sometimes take advice or consolation the wrong way and my parenting heart is SUPER DUPER RAW today and I’m SUPER DUPER trying not to drown in a shame ocean and to keep my head above water but I wanted to just share my truth in case any of you are struggling too.
My kids are the best. Let’s hope they get a better version of me today. They deserve the best I can give.