So remember yesterday when I wrote a post about the highs and lows of parenting? I should have called it the highs and mediums because IT GOT SO LOW LAST NIGHT YOU GUYS.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever specifically said this, but sometimes I write about my parenting challenges in detail, get GREAT feedback and advice from you guys, or even just other parents who are like: BEEN THERE, IT IS TERRIBLE, and then like 2 days later I set the post to “DRAFT MODE” so it’s no longer public. This way I get my catharsis and my parenting tribe’s advice and commiseration but it’s not linger out in the ether forever.
I am going to do that with this post, but I’m not even going to give you all of the details because it’s too personal for my kid and I don’t want to share that even for a little while. Last night was so bad I’m calling his doctor this morning and trying not to cry and saying, “This is what he did – can you tell me who to call? And can you tell me next time what I should do?” Because we have faltered back into self-destructive behavior that we thought we had grown out of but he’s bigger now and he can really hurt himself and he scared the shit out of me.
At one point after the episode had passed and I was holding him and telling him how much I loved him; we were both crying and he said, “Yeah, but I don’t love myself,” and my heart broke into 400 million little pieces and I don’t know how I can focus on anything else in the world today.
Hold us in your hearts today, okay? Especially my sweet Wes who feels everything – especially shame – SO VERY STRONGLY. And as most of us can attest (especially those of us with strict religious upbringing), shame can be the most destructive of negative feelings and that’s magnified in my sweet boy who doens’t know how to process those type of feelings in any way other than anger.