One of the books I read recently (All The Crooked Saints) was comparing human change to a barn built in the desert. That the winds that blow across the flat terrain hit the barn every day and it can withstand it until it can’t anymore. Maybe 2,000 days worth of wind and no change, but then one day, one gust of wind and BAM! The barn collapses. It wasn’t just that one gust of wind, but the small bits of push from the 2,000 days before PLUS that one final gust.
I prefer just talk about the one final gust that made big change in my life. I prefer to say, “This one thing happened and then all was different.” I know that is not true, but I like it better as a narrative. Whether it’s true or not.
I’m starting boot camp today. I’m only going for a month because that’s all I can afford (If I could buy the whole year of 2018, I would in a heartbeat) because I won half of the month in an auction. But still, it’s one month of 4 days of workouts with my favorite trainer who I miss terribly. And y’all? I really want this to be the CHANGE that I need. I want to be able to say (again) that I started boot camp and suddenly everything else shifted.
I doubt that will work, but I want it to so bad.
Just like I wanted to say “I started therapy and everything was better!” or “I found the right medication and everything was great!” but the truth is? It takes all of those gusts of wind before I finally will notice any sort of big change.
Of course, I also like to be “cured” of my anxiety/depression and when it flares up I get angry when the logical part of me KNOWS that it’s not like that – there’s not always a “before” and “after” – it’s an ebb and flow.
I don’t know. I just keep looking for catalysts that push me into the light for a change, but I’ll be honest, I’m well aware that there are tons of unresolved issues I’m not addressing that probably anchor me into the darkness for awhile.
But maybe boot camp will give me the strength to tackle some of those issues? Once and for all?
Blah. Who knows. Either way I’m excited to see Joe’s face as he is really one of the best trainers for people like me – like us – insecure and self conscious. And whether or not his training will help me kickstart my health, I know he’ll at least make me smile for an hour and that’s good too.