Love Languages

In my extended family we have talked about the 5 Love Languages as we’ve realized maybe some of the conflict or hurt feelings that happen occur because we speak different languages of love.

Heather wrote about this recently too in the discussion that she has never been a gift giver and that is my problem too. I love a lot of people who show love with gifts but I am not a gift giver AT ALL. I mean, I give gifts – sometimes good ones – but that’s only if I stumble upon something randomly that is perfect. One of the best websites for finding gifts is giftlist. They offer gift lists for parents, girlfriends, grandparents and much more.

However, I think it’s important to always recognize when you’re discussing the love languages that you don’t always SHOW love in the same way you want to receive it.

If we’re talking the language that I need to hear the most? It’s totally Words of Affirmation. I don’t care about gifts or physical tough hardly at all, but if you tell me I’m doing great? My heart is yours. Quality time is in second place and maybe acts of service but it kinda depends on the service because I also have a lot of guilt/shame issues and sometimes if you do something for me, I feel more guilt than love.

But I show love with quality time and acts of service and words of affirmation – in that order. I really love just engaging with people I love. Donnie and I fought to keep family dinner a thing for years when schedules started getting crazy because that’s how I show love, spending time with you and asking about your life. I also like to do acts of service, and truthfully, that’s my FAVORITE way to show love, but those opportunities are not always there as my life is stupid insane. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE when someone I love needs me to help them. I always try to assure them: This is a GIFT that YOU are giving ME!

I think the times I’ve most had to deal with conflicts and hurt feelings is when the person I love needs Gifts or Touch as their “love language” because I’m the WORST at both of those. Have you ever loved a GREAT gift giver? It’s TERRIBLE! Because it’s so hard to reciprocate in a way they can appreciate! Same with touch, obviously.

In theory, everyone should be able to speak all of the love languages, although I’m the worst at Physical Touch and gift giving. Luckily my husband doesn’t care about gifts – although he would like some physical touch now and then. (WIVES! UGG! AMIRITE GUYS?!)

It’s just something I think about a lot in relationships with family and friends. Some days I feel I do a better job with showing love to friends than with family because friendships are GREAT foundations for the languages I speak.

What about you? How do you show love? How do you want it shown to you?

8 thoughts on “Love Languages”

  1. thank you for posting this. I have heard of this book and understand it in theory by basically have been way to busy to even look it up on the internet!
    I for sure need to receive love through physical touch and make the mistake often that my wife needs it to–which she doesn’t–and then I get the look–and realize she would feel more loved if I would just take the damn laundry down!!!!!!

  2. oh and this is unrelated but I loved that last post on race. It was so good. I copied it for the guy I work with. I am actually moving buildings next week and the first thing I thought about missing the most from the old job will be the conversations the two of us had about race. I was handing him a copy of your last post when I told him about the new building and he said “how will you get these to me?”
    🙂
    I told him I will just send them through Inter-school mail!

  3. Your gift giving is pretty great. I still have lots of cool stuff you gave me… Anywho, just in case, I think you are a great sister and are one hell of a take-my-call-anytime-(your-damn-phone-works)-and-cheer-me-up-er.

  4. For me I want to receive love as words of affirmation and quality time. Acts of service is third, followed by physical touch and gift giving tied for last. I think that I show love in the same way, with service in the mix. My Mom & sister are definitely gift givers, so I try to help them find gifts my family will like. My husband is decidedly not a gift giver and dislikes receiving gifts, so that causes conflict in the extended family. My kids like physical touch and I’m happy giving them lots of hugs and snuggles. They also like quality time and words of affirmation. I hadn’t seen this before and it is interesting to think about! Thanks for sharing!

  5. I love the book and concept (and my husband, too). I’m primarily quality time followed by words of affirmation. He’s primarily quality time followed by words of physical touch and gift-giving. It’s nice that we are more or less the same in our strong preferences, but our jobs make it very difficult since we are both away from home a LOT. The secondaries keep it interesting. One of my biggest takeaways from the series is actually our daily pulse-checks, as we like to call them. At the end of each day we almost always ask what the best part of each other’s day was, and ask if our “love tanks” are full and need a topping off. It helps keep things positive.

  6. I am Physical touch and quality time together at the top. During the 30& years I taught preK, this need was met every day by knee high beings with big smiles. Words of affirmation next, then acts of service and giving gifts way down on the list. The light just came on . A recent sour e of conflict between my husband and I has been because. one of his highest is acts of service. He helps to show love and I get all – I can do that myself, don’t read over my shoulder! Now I see- Time to work on this.

  7. I have struggled with giving gifts to a wealthy aunt and uncle who show their love that way. It’s not like they need anything, so what do I give them? I learned to copy what they give, but in a smaller quantity. I think a lot of times people give the things they personally like, so you study the gifts they give you can get clues for what to give them. Not sure if that will help or not for those in your family who like receiving gifts.

  8. My husband and I took this quiz a while ago and it was so informative. I rated highest on quality time with physical touch in second. Gifts came in last place with compliments a close second to last. Even as I took the quiz I knew that my husband would be acts of service, and sure enough he was. It’s made me realize that as much as I want to give him quality time (because that’s what I want), he’d much rather have tasks done around the house. Similarly, as much as he likes to express his love to me by doing things around the house and yard (that I rarely even notice), he gets more impact by spending quality time with me. It’s been eye-opening to contemplate that we’ve been “talking” past each other for years now and getting frustrated because we kept giving each other what we would like rather than what the other person would like. And I also appreciate his acts of service more, since I see now where they come from.

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