I’ve struggled with writing this week. I have non-bloggable burdens (family health, personal drama etc) which is always triggers writers block because I want to write what’s on my mind and when I can’t it’s like I can’t write anything. But even the things I want to write I’m having trouble sorting out. I have 3/4 of an entry about the value of diversity that I can’t quite finish because I feel like I’m missing something in it. I have an entry about the wearing away of your heart when you have a child who exclaims terribly hurtful things in stress and shame, but that’s not an entry that needs to be preserved for posterity. I have an entry about how hard it is not to say “calm down” when my children are getting worked up even though I KNOW IT’S THE WORST THING FOR PEOPLE TO SAY. But everytime I write it, it comes out shaming people who try to help me and I don’t like that either.
So I have 14 million drafts from this week and nothing even remotely substantial published.
Part of me feels better than I’ve felt in a year, but I find when some of the fog started lifting there are other things in my life that have been bothering me but I wasn’t quite facing them in the storm of depression. So the meds are working, the depressive symptoms are almost all gone, but it turns out that fog was managing my anxiety. It’s hard to get super-stressed about things when you’re despair blinds you to it all. So now I see all of the things a little more clearly and I’m stressed and the first medical management for my anxiety hasn’t seemed to help so there’s all of THAT lovelyness.
My 100-miler is in a week and I’m very excited about 2 days of soul crushing running. And that sounds like I’m being sarcastic, but I’m really not. There’s something very invigorating and cleansing about a long run, especially loops, which is why I love loops so much. I’m going with my best running gals and I’m really in a good headspace for it, which is a good feeling. Last year I was in a shit headspace for a lot of my races but I’m looking at this one like: I REALLY NEED THIS.
And considering I’m officially the heaviest that I’ve been since my Dad died, that says a lot.
Oh, another random topic but related to my weight gain. I’m not sure I’m as attached to the “race day” body that has helped me in the past. I have a weight that is my “easiest” to run at and it’s usually my goal when I’m training for a big race. But I’ve become really attached to the boobs I have 30lbs over that weight. Did you hear me? I LOVE MY BOOBS! And since I lose weight in my boobs first, I kinda stopped caring about the “race day weight” goal the more I learned to love my boobs. The only problem is that I have these boobs because of the stress eating which has surged again now that the fog of depression has cleared and so I kind need to not get too attached to these boobs because I need to stop the stress eating STAT and the boobs will have to go with that bad habit.
Welp. I’ve covered all of the topics, now, haven’t I?
Oh. My Sweetie. She seems a little sad being the only dog in the house. Of course her body is also pulsing with melanoma which doesn’t make her feel that great either so, you know…But she’s still my Sweetie and she still seeks out love and attention and sits outside the bathroom when I shower or poop so I don’t think it’s time for her to go yet.
NOW…now I’ve covered all of the topics. And how are YOU today?