I linked to something I wrote a long time ago recently and I thought, Damn. I used to be really funny.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. About how this place used to have a lot more goofs and a lot less pontificating on grief and politics and racism and gender norms and boob sweat.
(DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? I STILL GOT IT.)
I guess I’ve been thinking about change in general lately. I don’t like the trope that “People Never Change” because I’ve changed in 100 different ways in my lifetime. Hell, in 2016 alone I’ve changed at least 20 different ways. This time last year I hadn’t been to therapy, I was still parenting Wesley in regard to his anger instead of his anxiety, my marriage was low on my priority list, and I was running like a crazy woman training for my first 100K.
And now? Jeezus. I don’t even know. But none of that is true anymore.
Some days I’m so proud of where I am right now. I’m a better Mom and a Wife. Since the election I’m constantly trying to soak in politics and current events and educating myself on history and racism and gender norms so that I can be in a position to speak about issues affecting marginalized communities. This makes me VERY proud. I’m glad that I’m relearning American History from non-White perspectives. I’m proud I’ve found ways to keep up with local communities I didn’t know existed before. I’m proud I’m following writers that make me uncomfortable as I confront my own privilege.
But then other days I’m disappointed that I’m not as funny as I used to be. I know that sounds silly but this place used to be a more entertaining start to my day. And now? Well – let’s put it this way: I started 3 different blog posts this morning on the following topics:
3) Adult Bullying
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F*CK, KIM? Are you TRYING to depress yourself to start your day?
But then I look at the world and I think: Well. What do you expect?
I mean – there are still people in my circles that don’t believe in systemic racism. There are people who think someone who is Transgender is something to be afraid of. There are people who believe the country would be better if we applied Christian teachings and religious practices to our government. There are people who don’t believe LGBTQ people should be allowed to get married. There are people who believe that every citizen has the same opportunities to be great in this country. There are people who believe that the solution to crime and discipline is to suspend from schools and jail indefinitely. There are people who believe we should keep out anyone trying to get into our country and we should kick out everyone who isn’t a citizen, even if they’ve been here for their entire lives.
I think I worry I’ll become complacent during a Trump Presidency because the policies he campaigned on will probably not affect me. Our insurance is through our company and we have no pre-existing conditions. We’re white middle class people in a heterosexual marriage. I worry I’ll just stop paying attention because it won’t affect me and so I wake up every day and think What do I do today to stay alert? How do I listen to marginalized communities? What do I need to talk about today?
And none of that shit is funny. I mean, I am the person who could make pregnancy loss darkly humorous and yet…I can’t do shit with this.
I’m sad a lot. Not in the “needs therapy” or “needs medication” kind of way – but in the “needs to find something to hope in again” kind of way. I live in a red state run by red government and now my country is led by a red President and a red Congress and I suddenly feel like my voice and my cares are not going to be addressed at ANY level. And that is hard to wake up to every day. That is hard to laugh at.
Except in that…insanse HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! kind of crazy way. Which, I’ll be honest, I kinda fall into every time the President Elect tweets something. I’m like HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! He’s our President! HAHAHAHAHAH and then I go for another cookie.
I’ve gained 10lbs since the election y’all.
Now that is some funny shit, right there.
Anyway. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not as funny as I used to be. Part of me wants to promise you I’ll be better. But then another part of me wants to point out that there’s not a lot to laugh at lately.
(EXCEPT FOR CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE, OF COURSE.)
Thank you for hanging in there. I have found with this new since of gloom that’s descended over me that I’m desperate for more real-world socializing. I’m trying to resist the urge to text my friends and say, “PLEASE. COME EAT LUNCH WITH ME. WE ALWAYS LAUGH TOGETHER.” But that’s a good thing, me…wanting to socialize. Not with everyone. Just with people who like me even when I’m awkward.
(And now is when some of my friends who have only recently given me their cell phone numbers are thinking…Oh, shit. I hope she’s not talking about me. PLEASE DON’T TEXT ME.)
For now though, this is me, I guess. I have seen some good movies lately, and watched some weird TV (HAVE YOU SEEN THE OA YET? I LOVE IT AND HATE IT SIMULTANEOUSLY.) and listened to some great podcasts. I do plan to at least do a year-end “Things I discovered I love in 2016” post which should be way funnier than this crap.
Here’s to finding things that make us laugh. Even if it’s not on this depressing blog.