It’s weird that yesterday morning I wrote about leaning into the whole Imposter Syndrome thing and then later I experienced a moment where I received several pieces of criticism (from more than one person) about something I thought I was really good at.
So…um…am I the person I was complaining about yesterday? Did I somehow achieve overconfidence as the least confident person the planet? Is that…like…a magic trick?
Look at Kim! She of terrible body image and low self-esteem! Watch her develop too much confidence for once in her life! How did she do it? Was it slight of hand? Was it invisible wires? Is she just…MAGIC?
To say it hit me kinda hard is an understatement. I’m not confident about many things. I found myself thinking yesterday, This must be how those bad singers on American Idol felt. They walk in convinced they’re going to win and then BAM! Simon Cowell shuts them down.
Is Simon Cowell still on that show? Am I dating myself?
Anyway. I’m trying to get past it. My first method was to eat ice cream and since I’m like 95% vegan you can IMAGINE how well that went over in my tummy. NOT WELL AT ALL. It looks like I had too much confidence in my digestive system too. FOILED AGAIN.
Some of the criticism I was able to kinda talk myself through in the sense of just a misunderstanding on my part. Like two people see things the same way, but I’m thinking that way is expected and the other person is not. And I’m pretty sure it’s something I can rectify if I just take more time to complete the task to begin with. So it sucks, but not anything that makes me doubt my confidence.
But some of it was basically, “This thing Kim does is really bad!” and meanwhile I’m taking the same thing home and bragging about it to my husband.
And that basically kept me tossing and turning all night and now analyzing everything I ever do that I think I do well.
Do I suck at introducing new runners to trail running?
Do I suck at amplifying voices of importance from marginalized communities?
Do I suck at empathy?
Do I suck at talking about boob sweat?
I mean, it’s one thing to find out people think you’re good at that thing you think you’re terrible at…but the other way around? THE DAY YOU WROTE ABOUT IMPOSTER SYNDROME? That’s embarrassing. I mean – REALLY embarrassing. How long has this been going on? Me thinking I’m great and others thinking I’m terrible? I NEED MY EMBARRASSMENT PILLOW TO COVER MY FACE TO MY OWN MEMORIES.
(If you’re new here, the embarrassment pillow is the thing I cover my face with if something embarrassing happens to someone on TV.)
Luckily, I’ve been in a decent headspace the last couple of months so this isn’t sending me down the spiral of self-loathing and depression that I’ve been known to stumble into after a “bad day.” I’m trying to be practical about this in coming up with resolutions (I wish I could write it off as just one person’s perception, but it was echoed in a few ways by others) that will help me do better and maybe look at my work differently. Obviously the ice cream was a cry for help, but for the most part I’m trying to be practical and solve the problem.
I mean – I didn’t cry which is HUGE for me. I wanted to…I WANTED TO SO BAD…but I kept my shit together and spent a lot of time last night really thinking about how to be better.
It just sucks. I never really looked at myself as being overconfident about anything. So not only does it suck to know that I am, but it sucks to know that I didn’t even realize it so now I’m questioning my judgement about a lot of things.
Anyway – this post had no point. Other than to remind everyone the importance of paying compliments to people when you think them. Last night a friend told me my hair was looking really good lately and I almost cried. I NEEDED THAT TODAY! AT LEAST I HAIR GOOD!