I cried myself to sleep around 10pm last night. I was sobbing so hard I think my husband started to worry when he should do something…call someone…shoot me with a tranquilizer dart…something. I woke up around midnight and cried some more. This time even harder, but he’s finally asleep so he doesn’t know he should be worried about me. I’ve not cried this hard since my Dad died. I had forgotten about crying-induced headaches. They’re very real and I very much have one right now. I started writing this around 12:30 but my internet went out and I had to come back to it. As of this writing at 1:46am, the election has officially been declared a victory for Trump.
I can write my thoughts down and it will count as a blog post for NaBloPoMo. That’s something I can hold onto, right?
I have people who are big parts of my life…posting about their joy for President Trump. Do you know how hard that is? The last 8 years have brought healthcare to friends and family abandoned by systems who could deny them coverage, it brought marriage to people denied the right previously, it brought stability after an economic collapse, it brought potential to children of color everywhere who could finally see themselves in the White House. And yet…yet…these people who say they love my gay child…they are celebrating an “end” to those terrible year and excitement and joy over what Trump can bring them.
I am looking at the red/blue map and thinking about begging my friends in blue states to find me a job and help me move there. Before Obama, my goal was to get the f*ck out of Alabama and the South. But after he was elected I was able to enjoy being a liberal voice in a red state…knowing the country was led by MY President. But now? Now I don’t have that balance. Now I feel like I’m knee-deep in red and I need to find a blue oasis somewhere. Can you help? My husband (the one sleeping in the other room, unaware that his wife is losing her shit on the other side of the wall) is a software developer with management skills and I have a web developer/marketing background. Will you hire us in your blue state?
I am sobbing, thinking about how I’m going to talk to my daughter in the morning. How am I going to explain to her that her country just elected an unqualified bully. How am I going to explain that we will not have a Madame President after all?
I texted E last night before crying myself to sleep and when I woke 2 hours later he had responded with a message of love. He’s the one at risk for losing his rights and he’s comforting ME. He is too good for this state and this country.
I know I need to fight. I know I need to stand stronger and taller than ever before. I know the country needs people like me now more than ever, a non-marginalized citizen to fight for those who Trump campaigned against. But it’s hard because I don’t know where to start. And it’s hard because I can’t stop crying.
How do I look at the people celebrating this outcome and not feel pain in my heart? I think the pain was always there. I think knowing they were voting against the things I was fighting for was always painful, but I had the hope of Clinton to help me not look at the pain too deeply. But now? Now the pain is all I can feel and see. And I don’t know how to move past it.
I know this is rambling, but I can’t sleep through the sobbing and the headache and I have decided I’m allowed 24 hours to cry all of the tears and then I have to get my shit together. In the meantime, I’d love any help to move to a blue state, or any help in making a fight plan. Or maybe both. I also need a sedative because there is no part of me that can sleep knowing I have to see the faces of my children in 5 hours and explain this to them.
Love to all of you who were in the trenches with me. Let’s tend to our wounded and rest, and then let’s regroup and make sure that Obama’s legacy is not destroyed, okay? I will be radio silent for awhile, I need some self-care. Please email me (email@example.com) if you have anything pressing I need to know about that I might be missing online.
Dear Hillary and President Obama…I’m so very sorry.