Recently I stumbled upon knowledge of old gossip in one of my communities. You know, the “Did you know that 15 years ago those people you love and respect did this?” kind of knowledge. It was a weird moment because I wanted to immediately hit “rewind” and unlearn this tidbit. I spent a lot of time thinking about, “Why? Why do I wish I hadn’t heard that?”
First and foremost it’s because the Zoot of yesteryear, the one responsible for that chapter full of shitty behavior, fears that people who love her now will someday the same experience. “Did you know that back in the late 90s Zoot had a hedonistic wave that destroyed small villages?” Ugg. I couldn’t run for President y’all, the skeletons would just start falling out in waves.
So that’s definitely part of my distaste for gossip, I can too easily imagine being on the damaging end of that scenario. But also? I was intrigued by the fact that I didn’t soak it up like I used to. Coincidentally, I also had a phase where I would seek out gossip. WHAT? So-in-so did that? Really? TELL ME MORE. I ate it up and I loved it. Now? Not so much. I spent some time dissecting that and I think a lot of it is because I don’t hate myself as much as I used to, so I’m not needing that validation from other people’s misery. “Oh? They did that? Good. I don’t feel so bad about the stuff I did.”
Kinda like how I used to hide smoking from everyone I met because I didn’t want them to know I did that terrible thing. But then if I found out they smoked? It was like angels in heaven singing. YAY! I’m not the only idiot!
I also think a friend on twitter summed it up well: I don’t have the energy to care about gossip any more. The more I thought about the “new” information the more I realized, “Wait. I think maybe I knew that story afterall.” I think I had actually been privy to that gossip before, but the part of me that has no energy for grudges, just wiped it all away.
But mostly? I just think we should all be able to be who we are TODAY. I don’t think I should have to know all of the demons from another person’s past. Why would I want to? The older I get, the more I realize that we are not the same person every decade. At least hopefully not. And most people I know are spending time trying to better themselves in some way, so why would I hold their past against them?
So…I’m going to just allow myself to forget. Kinda like I did last time, I guess. And just be happy in the knowledge that I’m not a Gossip Girl anymore. I don’t seek it out. I don’t thrive on it. I don’t need to know the faults of others to ignore my own. We are all complex – full of light and dark – and I’m going to just be the moth and stay in the light of all of the souls I meet.