A Blessing And A Curse

It’s funny. When I was talking to my therapist about my “mission to avoid collapsing into the black abyss” (I like giving my therapy goals different overly-dramatic names) I was laughing about how a lot of my problems come from FINALLY CONQUERING MY DAMN SOCIAL ANXIETIES.

Stay agoraphobic. Leaving the house ruins your life.

Kidding!

Kinda.

I definitely was not in a happy place back in my Never Leaves Home Or Talks To People phase. And I definitely do not want to trade in the tribe and community I’ve gained for the peace of no life. HOWEVER, it is funny to look back at all of the balls I’m juggling and see how many of them are because I felt it was important to get out of the house and make friends.

DAMN YOU, FRIENDS.

The problem is – now I can’t live without them. So I’m compelled to not let any of them down because I’m terrified to go back to the days where I wallowed in my solitude. And for some reason – in my head – they’ll all forget about me if I don’t say, “YES!” to everything they offer.

And saying “Yes!” to every thing a friend offers wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t have SO MANY AMAZING FRIENDS. That’s the downside to finally conquering your social anxieties – you might meet a lot of amazing people AND THEN NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.

I saw two friends at Publix this week that I haven’t seen in forever and just getting hugs from them boosted my heart and my soul and THAT IS WHY I CAN NOT SAY NO. Part of it is definitely the fear of abandonment my therapist helped me uncover, but part of it is also that I just love the energy I get from being around people I like. I no longer run and hide when I see someone I know at the grocery store – I scream their name and give them big hugs. WHO AM I?

So the secret is finding a balance. And focusing on those outings and events and obligations that give me a positive NET GAIN of energy. I have a few that zap me more than they fill me and those need to be kicked to the curb.

And maybe meeting some assholes once in awhile.

It’s easy to say “NO!” to assholes.

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