I feel like we need to get together for coffee for this one because I feel like you’re going to read it and be like, “Nope. There’s no way. It’s too perfect.” It’s going to read like a movie script. If we were sitting at the table you’d see the sincerity in my story and you’d believe me. But seriously…I HAD A BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT YESTERDAY IN THERAPY.
I know. Therapy again, Kim? Really?
OH! New idea. Everyone get out your favorite bottle of liquor when you read my blog now and you HAVE to do a shot every time I say “Therapist” or “Therapy.” Go ahead, I’ll wait for you to get it.
What? You don’t want to do shots at 7am on a Thursday? BORING.
BUT SERIOUSLY. I started out by telling my therapist (SHOT!) all of the good things I had been implementing in the last week. Reformatting the way I handle my daily To Do lists, stopping wearing a watch, saying “No.” All of these things that we’ve work to together and how they’ve been helping me. I thought maybe I should bring up the crying thing but I decided not to before the session even started. I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT HOW I WAS WINNING AT THERAPY!
But somehow I started crying again over something seemingly innocuous so then, kinda laughing, I told her the story of yesterday and well, basically she was like, We need to get to the bottom of this. And we did and it wasn’t even that difficult. I’m not a complex person, guys. I’m pretty easy to figure out. But I like to make things complicated so I blamed the crying on exhaustion and stress and that it was something about the HOUSE and I kinda felt dumb but…
BUT! You know what? It’s that last little bit that I dismissed. Because somehow the way I presented that too her pushed her to push me and Y’ALL. THERE WAS MY BREAKTHROUGH. I do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want to feel dumb EVER EVER EVER. If you ever make me feel dumb, I bristle and emote and all of the other defense mechanisms to push that away.
AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
Of course you do.
IT WAS MY DAD’S FAULT!
Okay. I’m joking. We don’t blame. And you all know I would never blame him for anything because – as far as Dads go – he was pretty superb. BUT. Intelligence and good grades were VERY important to him and when he did get angry, the angry words he would use did knock at my intelligence. So, you know, as kids those things make wounds that scab over and in order to survive you kinda just let them sit there, you don’t pick at the scab but HOLY SHIT Y’ALL, WE PICKED AT THAT SCAB. It was ugly. I ugly cried the ugliest of all cries in all the land. It was EPIC and AMAZING and I kinda wanted a cigarette afterwards.
DO NOT MAKE ME FEEL DUMB, YO. IT WILL GET REAL, FAST.
But it was really cool. And we don’t do it to “blame” because we are grownups and our actions are our own actions. But now I know there is this raw wound I just yanked a scab off of and I have to try to help it heal but I also have to know that area will always be sensitive. If I feel that trigger again, I’ll know where it is coming from and instead of crying obscenely and embarrassingly and blaming exhaustion and stress, I can talk to the younger Kim who sustained the injury to begin with. I can remind her that we are smart and not dumb and that – even if this person thinks we’re dumb – it has no bearing on who we are deep down inside. I can nurture her and take care of her. ISN’T THAT THE GREATEST IMAGE IN THE WORLD? My Therapist (SHOT!) talked about holding the younger version of herself, consoling her and then saying, “Grownup me can handle this for you…” and I just adore that idea so much. Younger Kim would really appreciate Adult Kim just holding her and loving her. I JUST ADORE IT.
I kinda want someone to make me feel dumb again so I can try it out.
DAILY CHALLENGE: Make Kim feel dumb and see if she cries! GO!
(DO NOT DO THIS. I REPEAT. DO NOT DO THIS.)
Thanks for listening, guys. I’m really trying not to make this Kim’s Therapy (SHOT!) Corner but, you know. There’s no use in fighting it.
Keep sharing, I’m thrilled to see how its helping. I might take a sip of tea at each mention though, since I read you over breakfast. 😉
I took shots of coffee instead of liquor. ?
Seriously though, that is a phenomenal breakthrough. I am so very happy for you because you are a truly amazing lady (and I’m starting to tear up as I sit in the parking lot and type this).
I’ve had those amazing moments in therapy too, where the therapist tells you something about yourself and you’re just like, “What? No. That can’t be right. Wait … that actually kind of makes ALL THE SENSE and I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, HOLY SHIT.” I guess that’s why they get paid to do this. I’m so glad going to therapy is helping you!
These are great stories! Keep sharing — no need to feel self conscious. It’s wonderful to see your enthusiasm for therapy and how you are benefiting from it already.
Keep up the good work! Your sharing is good for all of us to hear. Have a great day.
I really like your stories about therapy and how it is helping you.
This one in particular, struck home with me. Good grades and intelligence were very very important to my father as well. It drove me to become a perfectionist, but only towards myself. I can handle failure in others, but not in myself. Failing at something makes me feel dumb, and that in turn makes me angry at myself all over again. Vicious cycle, that is.
Also, I completely understand the reaction to others making you feel dumb. If someone corrects me publicly, and I was, in fact, wrong about the item we are discussing, it doesn’t make me cry, but it does trigger that anger again. Anger at myself for speaking out when I should have known better, anger at being wrong, but mostly, anger at looking (or even just thinking that I looked) stupid.
I love the idea of older you comforting younger you. I will have to try that when next I encounter this situation. Keep up with the good work with your therapist, and please, keep sharing your stories.
If it’s 7 am where you are, it’s 2pm for me so I think that’s plenty late enough in the day for shots. Only I don’t think my boss would appreciate it nearly as much as me. All kidding aside though, I don’t mind you sharing and in fact I really really appreciate it. And I’m so happy that you found a therapist you can click with, after the first one basically chased you off by disregarding your beliefs. Sorry about the scar-ripping, but sometimes a good ugly cry is the best way to get through something tough. Kudos.
I am so happy for you too! I can totally relate to your story, it is very, very powerful when you do the exercise of taking care of your younger self. Once a therapist did this exercise with me where she told a little story about a young girl (which was me) and basically described something she knew from my childhood and I was supposed to just listen to it as an outsider–and oh my goodness did I cry!!!! that poor, poor little girl in the story!!! how awful to have that happen to her!!! wait a minute…that little girl was me! and I so knew I needed to comfort her and take care of her.
Your blog post today has reminded me that even though I am not in therapy currently, that little girl still lives in me and I need to pay attention to her healing.
Thank you!
I so agree with everyone! I feel honored that you are willing to take us on this therapy ride with you! And it’s helpful for me to hear you talk about it. Thank you for sharing!
I love hearing about your therapy sessions,about how you’re learning, and it’s helping me think through a few things, too. I had a bad reaction at work yesterday-anger, not tears-but upon reflection I know that it came from somewhere deeper than the immediate subject we were discussing. This post in particular makes me wish we lived closer though, so we actually could discuss it over coffee.
I was reading this at night so I was able to do shots, of wine. Anyways I love hearing about your therapy, it’s good to see you embracing this thing and to see how it helps. Especially considering how much you resisted it and how you often try to hold back things. Which on that point, don’t worry about it too much because you can only deal with a bit at a time. Don’t let things slide too much though because as you see, that yucky stuff you don’t like is exactly what your therapist needs to see to help you. But good work Kim, and keep sharing because I love posts like today and because there are others that will see this and be moved to get some help too.
I love the idea of the adult that we are taking care/consoling the child in us that was hurt …..we all have those hurts still inside us and clealy they define the person we become!
Hugs!