On Mental Health

It All Comes Back To The Marshmallow Fluff.

I have no idea when/why/how people read my blog but if you’re used to the morning updates, please note I went a little off-script yesterday and did a funny post-therapy entry that I had to do because it referenced my horrible habit of over analyzing things, which was EXACTLY what I did in yesterday morning’s blog post, which was a big giant brain dump.

The truth of the matter is? I just don’t like the judgement side of religion so anytime someone’s religion makes a judgement I don’t like, I want to figure out angles I can take to try to convince the people who subscribe to that judgement (like by deciding if someone’s view of their gender truth is to be believed) that they their judgement is either wrong or unnecessary and I get carried away. I take judgement a little too personally because there are some religions who believe if I don’t believe in their God, I will end up punished in the afterlife AND I AM A PRETTY AWESOME PERSON. You want me hanging out with the COOL kids in your afterlife or else NOTHING WILL EVER BE OVERANALYZED.

So please pardon when I go off-the-rails where judgement is concerned. It hits too close to home. I worry all of my Christian friends are praying for me at night because they don’t believe I’m going to be allowed in heaven if I don’t believe in their God or in Jesus as my Savior so I get a little crazy on behalf of OTHER people being judged when truthfully it’s deep down all just about fear of people judging me.

LOOK! Therapy is already teaching me to dig into the truth of my hurts! My therapist says anytime my reaction is a 10 but it should probably be a 3, then I need to dig deeper. I looked at that 1800 word entry from yesterday and dug deeper and realized I was working through the judgement of a Transgender person, but truthfully I’m always just worried about if my friends are praying that I have a death-bed religious enlightenment before I die and I just want them to trust that I’m good enough that I’ll make it to their heaven as is.

I had a police officer recently tell me he believes people like me will go to his heaven no matter what and I don’t think I realized how much my heart needed to hear that until after he said it. I think there’s a part of me that’s always assuming my Christian friends and family are sad that I’m going to end up in Hell so this guy was pretty awesome. If his Christian Faith is true and my denial of it was wrong, he still thinks I’ll end up in heaven. And that was oddly comforting.

ANYWAY – does anyone see what I just did? Spent 460 words explaining why I over analyzed stuff on yesterday morning’s entry. Once again, Analysis Paralysis is evidently a concept developed specifically for me.

BUT! The point of this entry was actually to tell a different cute story from therapy.

(I promise this won’t be a “What happened in Therapy!” blog.)

(But it will continue to be a Analysis Paralysis blog, evidently.)

Remember my Ewok? I’ve talked about it a lot but probably the entry that really gets to the emotional value behind that toy is here. Well, two years ago or so Build-A-Bear did a Star Wars promotion and they had a picture of an Ewok in the ads and I got so excited and took the kids and found out they didn’t have a full-sized Ewok, just the small pre-made one. I was weirdly upset by this.

Then, on Friday, my friend Sarah posted a link to the release of the BIG Ewoks at Build-A-Bear and I immediately called our store to see if they had any and she said, “They came in today!” I went over and made one (by myself) and it was SO FUN and I sent a picture to Sarah and she said, “He’s like your Velveteen Rabbit.”

And he is. I’ve used that thing as my pillow off and on for the last decade. “On” being more in the “I’m feeling raw” periods of my life where it gives me a type of tether to happiness. Building that Ewok on Friday felt weirdly symbolic and cathartic. It was a happy gesture, like maybe it’s okay to have that old Ewok around for when I need it but it’s also okay to let him go if I feel like I’ve healed enough that I don’t need the tether anymore.

SO! At therapy we’re talking about healing from the past pains so we can create the positive future we want and my therapist gets up (she does that a lot to play songs or read from books) and goes to her bookshelf and says, “Have you ever heard of the story of the Velveteen Rabbit?”

GET OUT OF TOWN, LADY.

So. Yesterday was a great session. We had a dessert last night that I thought of recently because it reminds me of Dad. It was a light-hearted and silly evening where we joked and enjoyed each other’s company and I just felt light yesterday for the first time in, well…awhile. Donnie even joked, “I like this therapist if she gets you to feel this good AND to come home with Marshmallow Fluff.”

(Technically, we had to use an alternative to Fluff since our store didn’t have it, but I think when it comes down to spreadable marshmallows, it’s probably a wash.)

It was a good day. I didn’t beat myself up too much about binging on snack food at work and not going running. (I ran on Sunday and my knee is still pretty bruised and it still hurts so I’m still taking time off.) I just felt light, that is really the best word to describe it.

4 thoughts on “It All Comes Back To The Marshmallow Fluff.”

  1. I like you statement…”I felt light”. That’s how you should feel. As for heaven/hell…eh, I just want to be where my friends are.

  2. One of the things I really love about you is how not judgemental you are. I feel like I can tell you anything from some tiny thing that upset me to some huge thing that makes me feel like a terrible person, and you won’t judge me. You’ll see my side somehow and make me feel better! I’m so glad you are finding things to make you feel light!

  3. Please don’t worry about this being a “what happened in therapy” blog. Just keep processing and writing in the way that works for you. Plus, what you learn helps others! “Analysis Paralysis” is something I do all the time (though it manifests itself in over-researching options, like which hotel to stay in or which sunscreen to by my kids), but until you wrote that, I didn’t have an easy way of understanding or discussing it! I’m SO, SO glad to hear that therapy is helping you to feel lighter. I hope it continues to be helpful for you! Also, one of the reasons I love reading your blog is the way you break down ways of thinking about things, how you keep pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and finding great rewards, and the way you normalize parenting (I still think about that video you posted of the tantrum Wes was having in the back of your car–it helps me in moments like that). So, thank you for sharing yourself with us. You have no idea how much it impacts and inspires your readers!

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