So, my first therapy appointment was very much a Get To Know What Type Of Crazy This Person Is session where you had to fill out forms outlining symptoms and answer questions to get an “official” diagnosis and treatment plan.
But here’s the thing. I had never been to therapy before and I had just met this woman who I didn’t know for sure I wouldn’t hate in 5 minutes.
When I filled out all of the forms marking all of the “symptoms” I kinda glossed over most of it because I didn’t want this person who I might decide I hate, to think I was crazy.
KIM, COME ON. THIS IS STUPID AND COMPLETELY COUNTER-INTUITIVE.
When she asked me if I ever had thoughts of suicide I completely downplayed anything from my past and just said, “Well, I wouldn’t say that. I’d say that I don’t fear death because it would at least be an end to worry.”
YES, KIM. DOWNPLAY THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE. THAT’S A GREAT IDEA.
But I just kept thinking, “I’m not suicidal NOW. I was a long time ago. I know what that feels like. But I’m not NOW. So why should I draw attention to anything related to it? I don’t want her to think I’m crazy.”
She noticed some of the inconsistencies between paperwork and discussion. She pointed out that on my form I didn’t check much at all. She said, “So…you never wake up with frantic thoughts?”
KIM! YOU WAKE UP EVERY DAY WITH FRANTIC THOUGHTS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Yesterday, I was walking down the hall at work and I was just sad and overwhelmed. The last pictures are taken of the house and it will be listed any day now and the last time it was listed was so stressful and I just was walking down the hall thinking, This could be my last day of freedom before I’m constantly worried about people wanting to see my house. And you know what I had to do? Fight EVERY SINGLE STEP not to curl up on the floor of the hall of my office building and just close my eyes and cry and sleep. Every. Single. Step. Every step I took forward was one HUGE internal argument with myself because that urge, the urge to just lie down and curl up and sob myself to sleep and forget about life was SO VERY STRONG.
But yet…YET…on that form where it asked if I was every overwhelmed enough to want to disassociate myself with the world?
“Nope. Not me. Never.”
I’m really banking on this being normal behavior. Because, I mean, does anyone just walk into a therapist’s office fully comfortable and trusting on Day 01? (Please say, “No.” Please say, “No.”) I didn’t really feel comfortable opening up to her before I knew I would be seeing her again. I also REALLY didn’t want to cry and I knew if I started really talking about some of my issues I’d start crying and I had JUST MET THIS WOMAN.
I am keeping a page in my bullet journal (OF COURSE I AM) of things I should probably clear the air about. But still, I don’t see me opening up up about EVERYTHING, not yet. I mean, I like her. I already can tell we have a lot of similar life experiences so that helps me feel like she’ll understand a lot of what I’m going through, but it takes me awhile before I feel comfortable and I can’t turn off that voice in my head that wants her to LIKE me and does NOT want her to know how anxious I truly get or how far down the pit of despair I sometimes fall. Like, what if I tell her how far I’ve fallen and she just ROLLS HER EYES? Like, “Get over it, Kim. Jeezus.”
Of course, there’s also the issue that sometimes I’m not even honest with MYSELF about how I’m doing. Like the whole Urge To Sleep In The Hallway Forever thing from yesterday? I think before I was going to therapy I would have just blown that off and not registered it as anything to make note of. When, you know, THAT’S A REALLY STRONG URGE TO GIVE UP ON LIFE, Kim. You might need to give that some attention.
I don’t know. I hope this is all normal and it will just take awhile to warm up to her 100% and to trust her. It feels weird not being 100% honest with the woman I’m supposed to bare my soul to so she can help me heal. But surely I’ll feel that soon, right? How long does that take?
Also – please say prayers and send me good wishes that our house sells fast. It’s 100% obvious that my sanity is at risk, here. If it doesn’t sell fast then I might as well set up a cot in the hall at work because I won’t be able to stay strong every day.