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Modifying My To Do List

Programming note: I had an emotional purge on this blog this morning that ended in this wonderful and depressing moment of self-realization and when I went to add a featured image it all disappeared. I’m making myself re-write it as best I can but I’m totally depressed I lost the original. It’s like the universe was all, “Screw your path to enlightenment, Kim.”

It’s 3am and I’ve been up for an hour and a half. I’ve not run regularly or held a healthy lifestyle for more than one day at a time since my last 50K in January. Part of this is because A) I’m burnt out on training B) I’m busy trying to prep my house (again) for sale during the few free hours a week I have and C) I’m sad.

This is that month in 2009 Dad decided to die and then we all had to sit around waiting for him to die. It’s not the best way to spend a month of your life, if you were wondering. And the month “March” still triggers a lot of memories from that time so basically every time I write the date I experience a depressing flashback and then my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest. Jeezus, Dad. I still miss you so damn much.

ANYWAY. I need to get my life back on the upswing. Here is my To Do list for Regaining My Sanity.

  • Stop eating cadbury creme eggs and pizza combos from the CVS below your office.
  • Stop drinking beer every night.
  • Get some more sleep.
  • Run more consistently.
  • Talk to your new insurance and find a therapist.
  • Stop hating yourself.

That last one was an afterthought because I realized I was hating on myself as I was writing the list.

The Therapist thing is a challenge because I hate dealing with insurance and I hate talking on the phone and let’s just say I manage to do all of that…what if I then hate the therapist? Seems like a lot of effort to just have to start over and do it all again. While both of the kid’s therapists were helpful, I didn’t love either of them. BUT – didn’t have a choice either. Those were the only ones covered by our insurance. What if I only have one option and they’re terrible?

I feel like what I really need is a text service that will send me reminders to make healthy dietary decisions, to make time to run, and maybe to sometimes send me sincere messages with real examples as to why I’m great. “Hey Kim – Don’t forget that you got up at 1:30am and did laundry and dishes. No one else probably did that today.” Because I’m kinda hard on myself and only think about the fact that I haven’t read to Wesley for three nights in a row because I’ve been too tired to stay up as late as he does. I need reminders of the GOOD things I do.

Maybe my list should just drop down to that one thing:

  • Stop hating yourself.

Why do I judge myself so much harsher than everyone else? I look at all the things my husband does and I find myself overcome with appreciation and love and think about how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband. But y’all? If you compare his day to mine? MINE IS WAY HARDER. Why am I putting him on a pedestal and beating myself up when – by my own standards – I do more to praise in a day than he does?

Okay. One more modification to the list:

  • Love yourself like you love those around you.

I have several friends I see regularly. Some in my running groups. Some in my book club. Some in volunteer groups or women’s groups. And I place every single one of them on these pedestals that represent a level of awesomeness I don’t feel I could ever achieve. But if I’m practical about it, there’s not much different between them and me. We all have struggles and we all have successes. I love them all dearly and am amazed by them every day. YET – myself? I’m like, “Kim. You could do so much better.”

  • Love yourself like you love those around you.

That’s what I’m going to focus on today. Maybe if I can work on that one, the rest will fall into place.

I think trying to find a therapist and run 30 miles would be easier.

12 thoughts on “Modifying My To Do List”

  1. I think you need to add another point to your to do list. When you feel bad about yourself…

    Look at the wonderful man that Eliah is and remind yourself that you did that!

  2. You rock. Maybe read back over some of the comments on this site over the years.

    Many of us are harder on ourselves than on others. Here’s a link for you. It proposes that we’re hard on ourselves because (unconsciously) we’re “the heroes of our own stories”, and our perceived failures make us less of a hero in our own eyes.

    http://bigthink.com/ideafeed/dont-be-so-hard-on-yourself

  3. Love that list. Self-compassion. Treat yourself like you would someone you love. (In her books, Brené Brown references Kristin Neff, who is a big researcher in this area. Check Kristin’s website at http://self-compassion.org) I am learning this, and it really does make a difference.

  4. I think you are awesome! You are the person who convinced me I could run a 50k when I wanted to but was afraid I couldn’t. You are the person who has made me realize I could make new friends! You have done so much for my social and anxieties by voicing yours and making me feel not alone. I think you are great!

  5. This really resonated with me. A therapist I had for a short time (and, man, do I also feel the anxiety over trying to find one that fits with both my personality and my insurance company) would consistently ask me, “What would you say to a friend having these same feelings?” The answers I gave were always, always, always kind and compassionate and loving and understanding, but the voices in my head were anything but. Let’s work on being kind to one another *and* ourselves.

  6. I read your blog and then I went to facebook and I came across this and thought that this part in particular might be helpful:

    Practice being kind to yourself. This is very important because we’re often less kind to ourselves than we are to others—even strangers! Think about what kindness to yourself would look like, then try it. Need ideas?

    Notice your self-talk (how you talk to yourself about yourself). If it seems negative, ask yourself if you would say this to a good friend and notice what happens.
    Practice treating yourself as well as you treat your friends, co-workers or family members.
    Sometimes, when we’re off or having a bad day, we start judging ourselves. Practice letting your experiences, thoughts and feelings in, whatever they are.
    Take a break when you need one.
    Engage in basic self-care. Get enough rest, eat when you’re hungry (and stop when you’re not) and exercise when you can (be sure to pick something you like to do).

    It was part of a mindful article: http://www.mindful.org/intentional-acts-of-kindness/

  7. Thank you for being brave enough to share all this. Yes, I said “brave.”
    Some of us (me) just keep all the crazy tamped down and say all these things in our own heads and let it eat away at us.
    Then, there’s you. Brave.
    Like I said, “Thank you!”

  8. Seriously!? Seriously?! I am constantly amazed by all that you do and how you pry yourself out of bed before even the buttcrack of dawn to get stuff done around the house and run. I struggle to make myself get up at 445am to get to the gym and by that time of the morning you’ve accomplished a whole host of things!

    Love yourself because you are freakin AWESOME!

  9. I’d like to recommend the book “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It” By Kamal Ravikant. It’s really, really short and very inexpensive on Amazon. Gives you very straightforward and practical advice on how to love yourself easily and realistically.

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