I sat down this morning with so much to say. First, I wanted to talk about how my YouTube recommendation page is ALL Pokemon unboxing videos and videos of people playing video games. Those are Wes’s FAVORITE things to watch right now and it seems SO CRAZY. Watching people open Pokemon cards? Watching people play video games? HE LOVES THEM and I think it’s weird. And also? I’m super bummed I didn’t have the foresight to log OUT each time he used my laptop because now my Google account is all confused.
Then I wanted to talk about how I was in bed sick all day and missed Eliah’s performance at Montevallo and last night was the ONLY night I had this week to see it. I was going to write about how the guilt is literally tearing me up and I couldn’t sleep and I have officially decided I’m the worst mother in the world.
Then I thought I should write about guilt instead. And how guilt is so terrible and how some days the guilt I feel is harder to bear than grief or anxiety or depression. I hear people blame that type of stuff on religious upbringing but I don’t think that’s it. I think my guilt is because I have such intense empathy that I feel the hurt on the other side of my actions vividly so it makes the guilt over causing that a million times worse. I watched his snapchat from last night and it physically hurt me to not have been there. It caused me PAIN to watch it, maybe that’s love combined with guilt.
Then I thought I should talk about the weird illness I had and pontificate a bit over whether or not it’s even real. I’ve been battling my demons more these last two weeks due to some sleep issues and some TOO MUCH TO DO issues and my depression and anxiety have been battling it out on a daily basis over WHO IS GOING TO SCREW KIM UP MORE?! I was convinced I had a fever yesterday, I felt terrible, came home and NO FEVER but I also had no energy, lots of pain, and a general lack of a desire to live. I napped a lot and I think I feel better but now I’m wondering: Was this a physical manifestation of my emotional trauma? I’ve read about that but it’s never happened to me. I’m going to try to be really in tune today to try to keep everything in check.
Then I considered talking about exercise and how my mornings have been too cramped to run every day because I have this new volunteer job and I choose to sort through emails in the morning and it’s cramping into my run time so I got up at 2:30am today in hopes to have time to run. This will hopefully not be permanent, I’m currently editing HTML in an old website but the new website built on a CMS exists it’s just not launched. But for now? We’re talking AT LEAST an hour every morning and truthfully, I’m behind. It’s a sad life I live that I have to wake up at 2:30am to get all of the shit done I need to get done before work. But the alternative is doing it at night and that’s my family time and I need that lately so for now? I’m dropping my running down to 2-3 weekdays instead of 4-5. This is probably not helping my emotional state.
Then I thought about telling you how I recently discovered I can wear kid’s XL clothing in some styles and this has made my life so much better because:
1) Boys athletic pants come with GIANT pockets! I hate pants without pockets or with only tiny pockets.
2) Girls leggings are cuter and cheaper than the ones in the adult section.
Then I was going to tell you about my grand plans for Lent that I totally screwed up because I forgot yesterday was Ash Wednesday because I was sick so now I’m going to STILL do my 40 days but I’m going to start TODAY which seems so terribly appropriate for someone who lacks religion.
But instead I’m just going to leave all of this here. This is all of the stuff rattling around in my brain this morning. I have to pack lunches and I think I’ll have time to run this morning. I HOPE. I need it desperately even with this mystery illness that could be completely psychological.
I totally love your honesty in all the things you are dealing with. Reading the different emotions and body aches and STUFF you are dealing with makes me feel so much more normal. I have been having what sometimes feels like rapid fire flashes of emotions and thought processes in the last few days. Lots of AHA moments and “oh crap” moments in succession, and it is both exciting and terrifying. Physical pain is even part of it, and I know most of it truly is physical, but I’m sure it is heightened by stress.
Hang in there. You seem to be so good at being aware, and that is the hardest part of the process (IMO).
It sounds weird to think that something psychological could make you physically ill … until you remember that your brain is also a very physical part of your body, and there’s a lot of chemical reactions going on in there, and it’s not some isolated organ you keep on a shelf, so why *wouldn’t* one part of your body affect others when it’s a bit off? Glad you’re feeling better.
I hope I can get to the point where I can buy kids’ XL clothing; that would probably make my life so much easier.
Thank you for the reminder to check girls’ section for clothes. I have a pair of comfy and cute work pants (black skinnies … since we can only wear black pants) and they’re a size 4 … and won’t stay up. I keep forgetting I might be able to get away with girls’ pants. If they’re long enough!
And I’m with Wes watching other people game. For me, it’s great background noise when I’m working on things AND I learn new things about the games I love. My husband used to laugh at my daughter and I until he started watching Twitch streams, 😆
I just wanted to tell you to check Michaels out, it’s a craft store, they have the adult coloring books and a couple of ………are you ready….”…………………………
HARRY POTTER
Lol
Love your blog
Happy Valentine’s Day ??
Over the past several years, I’ve given up something for lent even though it was not really a practice of the denomination I was raised in. After reflecting on what lent really means, I don’t think giving up something is achieving what lent was intended to be. In other words, I could give up something for 40 days and not really struggle with it and I think it is meant to be a struggle (so to speak). So this year, I’m doing something different. I’m trying to spend at least 30min a day in studying God’s word and in reflection. For a person who is constantly go, go, go….this is a greater challenge for me than giving up something.
I grew up with Lent and had very wise leaders encourage us to do ADDITIONS to our lives as well as removing things. One year I vowed to say the rosary every day and I really did! And it was really nice, I still remember how calming that was at the end of the day to basically spend 15 minutes or so in prayer. Way more positive than giving up chocolate 🙂
a) i was immediately cracking up with your first paragraph b/c it immediately had me remembering last night’s iZombie! HAHA! 🙂
b) JUST getting over that same “weird illness” you described…here now on day 5! i literally moaned/felt feverish/slept for almost 3 days straight…without EVER really feeling better or even rested! the last two have almost been 180’s from that, though…amen! BUT WHILE IT WAS HERE? IT WAS REAL!!!
c) lent was one of the few things left out of my “life o’ religion” that i randomly picked it up afterwards. 🙂 for me, i think i finally found it seems best to BOTH add & subtract something to/from my life that’s a “sacrifice”. but, ask me again on march 27th, & we’ll really see if that held true or not. 🙂
xo
I had a horrible cold or some other sickness a couple of weeks ago. No fever, but I felt like death. Either way, sometimes you need to be more gentle with yourself. Love your blog!