This week’s lesson in parenting: It is very hard to help a child cope with their extreme emotions when you are feeling your own extreme emotions. It works that with grief and depression and anxiety and most…importantly: anger.
I’ve mentioned the problems Wes has with his anger and with tantrums in the past. We went through a bad couple of years where I felt like there was no end in sight. We got some outside help, he got a little older, I learned a lot and things and it seemed to be better overall.
Except for a few incidents. Last night was one of them. And it was terrible.
Part of me thinks maybe it’s time to get some outside help again. But if you’ll recall our insurance debacle from before and then the insurance completely uprooted us and the clinic that was covered closed down. We have found another doctor that is now covered, we went to her for Nikki’s anxiety, but she would NOT be a good fit for Wesley. But – ever since that other clinic closed down – there have been random doctors from that clinic popping up in other offices and still taking our insurance so I think I’ll try find someone else.
BUT MAN. There is also a part of me that kinda blames myself. I reexamine last night’s downward spiral and see many moments where I could have handled it differently. In retrospect, I see I didn’t do what the previous counselor suggested because I was too busy coping with my own anger. I was doing my best not to lose Which is VERY HARD TO DO when he is being so disobedient and mean. It always starts so benign. He’s just being disobedient and contrary and rude as hell. So, I tell him to do something: He has to quit playing screens, go to his room, stop watching TV, put up his Pokemon…SOMETHING. And he refuses.
A lot of time – like last night – me sending him to his room is the first step to a horrible tantrum ending in aggression. He never seems to want to obey that one and I go back and forth: Should I quit sending him to his room since that’s the one that seems to always start the spirals out of control? But here’s the thing: If I stop doing that thing that makes him angry, he never learns to deal with the anger. As we talked last night after the bad stuff was over I pointed out, “If you had just gone to your room that first time when I said it, none of the rest would have happened.”
But he refuses. And refuses. And I make threats and then I have to follow through and HE STILL REFUSES. I threatened to throw away his stuff (which I’ve done before) and he said, “I don’t care. You bought it all so it would hurt you not me.” And he refused again and I tried to physically carry him to his room but he’s big and that’s hard and he was really angry and it just escalated fast and I had to focus all of my energy on staying calm (it’s really hard to do when your kid is trying to hurt you both emotionally and physically) and stopped even trying to figure out how to cope with his meltdown. I couldn’t even respond to him anymore because I was just trying not to lose my own shit. And then Nikki got involved because she worries and doesn’t like it when Wes gets angry with me and then he just got even angrier and it just was terrible.
Eventually he broke, he always does, and he starts getting angry with himself and we haven’t had an episode like last night in a long time and I forgot how exhausting it is for everyone. He cried. A lot. I cried. Nikki cried. We talked a lot about how apologies are great but they don’t erase what happened. “I will always forgive you Wesley, but I can’t forget the things you said or did.” He cried so hard and this is always oddly reassuring because when you see your child demonstrate such terrible anger (which I hadn’t seen from him in awhile) you feel oddly better when you see remorse later. It’s like the small token of reassurance that the demon that came out for that brief moment doesn’t have full control of their personality.
It’s just hard. In so many different ways. It’s hard because I was very angry and while I didn’t lose my temper, I also didn’t do anything to diffuse his because I was so focused on not losing mine. I know for SURE I did not handle it exactly how his last doctor would have recommended I handle it. Now, I also know I didn’t make it worse. Years ago I would yell and scream in response to his terrible tantrums and I don’t do that anymore. I know that is wrong. But getting it “right” is very difficult in the moment. “Seeing Red” is very applicable, I was just so angry all I could focus on was staying calm and not ANY of the diffusing or even redirecting techniques we had talked about before.
So…part of me says, “Call for some help!” But the other part of me says, “Yeah – but – you didn’t apply the techniques the last doctor taught you, so why don’t you still use those first before you see more help.” I do feel like when I’m focused one some of the diffusing techniques and when I focus on directing him to cope with his anger instead of focusing on coping with my own, I can keep him off the wrong path. And last night I couldn’t do any of that because I was trying to make sure that I stayed on the right path.
Parenting is hard, yo. Especially when you’re trying to learn the same lessons you’re trying to teach your kid. It’s hard to be a teacher and a student at the same time.