We’ve all know the super-fun statistic that most suicides occur around the holidays because not everyone has money or family or even emotional stability on a normal day, so the pressure of the holidays and the constant reminders of what you don’t have can darken even the brightest of people. I think about those people all season and worry about them. I try to be extra kind to strangers in case the man in line in front of me is suffering under the weight of this so-called Season of Joy.
I’ve never been a Christmas person. I never got into the decorating or the spirit even as a child. I would be excited about presents, of course, but I never felt an entire Season of Joy like so many of my friends did. I have different theories about that, but none of which are worth sharing.
As a parent I’ve gotten more into Christmas for sure, but it’s still not something that really excites me like it does many of my friends and family. I get excited about finding the perfect gift for someone, but man, people are just hard to shop for. Especially when they don’t ask for anything specific. I enjoy spending time with family but it never, ever, ever goes how I hope. Maybe I want us all to watch a movie together but someone has plans or someone else is watching a game. Maybe I start a puzzle because that one year we all put one together and this year no one seems to give a shit. It’s also hard when you see friends/family gifting huge Christmases to their kids…I’ve seen some gifts that total more than our entire budget for all 3 kids combined. It’s hard not to feel inadequate over that.
I don’t know. I just struggle a lot at Christmas on a good day, but this year has been really tough. It doesn’t help that I have so much extra stress that has nothing to do with the holidays: Getting the house ready for renovations so we can try to sell it again. Donnie working so much. The kids fighting so much. And y’all? I don’t mean to be snotty but of the four other people in my immediate nuclear family, I only had ONE THING to open at Christmas and it was a glorious coupon book from Nikki. And it’s not that I want anything to be bought for me, not with our budget as tight as it is. BUT MAN…I put hours and hours and hours into planning and shopping and decorating for these guys and it’s kinda depressing when I realize no one thought about me at all. Not even enough to draw me a picture or write me a note or stop by any of my favorite places on the way home and buy a gift card.
I know. It’s dumb.
Luckily my Brother and Sister-in-law gave our family a gift that is A) Inspiration for Adventures and B) Great blog material. I can’t wait to write about it. That was excited and the perfect kind of gift for me. And Donnie’s family Christmas is always loads of fun and his Mom is crafty and always makes me stuff that is AMAZING. But again – then I feel completely inadequate because I gave gift cards. *sigh*
And of course I feel selfish and guilty for being bummed about not having gifts from the people who supposedly love me most. I just work so hard for these guys all the time and there are only a few days a year where they’re forced to do something for me. Mother’s Day, my Birthday, and Christmas. Three days a year amidst the 365 I work for them. Nikki is always great about giving me handmade gifts and they’re my FAVORITE always. She left me notes hidden on Mother’s Day. She’s drawn me pictures and she’s just always so thoughtful. BUT THE MEN IN MY FAMILY ARE TERRIBLE. Are all men terrible?
And now I have to take it all down. I put it all up to begin with and now I have to take it all down. And then I have to continue with the stress and chaos of family and animals living alongside painters and builders and carpet guys for the next 2’ish weeks and that may kill me. And I’ve been eating crap and drinking too much beer and you all know that messes with me terribly. And I had to cancel my Sunday group run today which I was really torn about but I can’t take a big group on terribly flooded trails. And I’m just tired. And I really really really miss my Dad.
The holidays are hard, yo.