You would have been 69 today. You should have been 69 today. Your parents both lived past their 90th birthday so I really assumed you’d live long enough to meet your great-grandchildren and I’m still a little pissed off that you didn’t. But, since it’s your birthday, I have to do that thing that you would hate me doing, write you a letter on my blog.
Part of the struggle of being a parent is that you never really know if what you’re doing is going to produce well-rounded, kind, good adults. When you died I was doing okay, but I was probably still one of the most lost 30-somethings to have ever walked the planet. I didn’t have a lot of focus and I was struggling a lot with my anxiety and depression after years of trying – and often failing – to build my family. You worried about me a lot. That’s what makes me sad now, is that you never really got to see me kinda get my shit together.
I KNOW! Hard to believe! Kim kinda has her shit together!
You would have been most excited by my trail running. I don’t know if you would have ever gotten into trail running, but you would have loved that I did. You loved hiking in the outdoors and loved taking us camping growing up. I’m certain you would have come up to be part of some of our trail adventures, maybe even helping out at a few races like you did with my brother. You would also crack up at my bullet journaling obsession because you were kinda bullet journaling before it was cool. Just like you were taking selfies before “selfie” was even a word.
I’m running a 100K near Knoxville in 2.5 weeks and I know you would have been blown away by that. You were witness to my first attempt at a marathon in 2007 which I ended up walking most of because I trained so poorly. You would be amazed at how far I’ve come. I did a marathon a few weeks ago in almost 2 hours less than the one you saw me do, and I had run a 50K the day before!
I still miss you so much, Dad. I know I always will. I still talk about you more than any grown woman should probably talk about her dead Dad. You were just an amazing and interesting man. You raised us alone long before the internet was around to give you tips or pointers. I loved talking to you as an adult during the 2008 elections and learning how your world view fueled some of your political views. While you never really talked to us about politics growing up, I was amazed at how many ways our views lined up into adulthood. I wish I could talk to you this election cycle…I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO SAY ABOUT ALL OF IT.
I’m listening to a book now (I don’t have much time to read, but I do have a long commute) I know you would have loved – No God But God about the history and evolution of Islam. We read a few of the same books before you died, chatting about them, this would have been a good one for us to read together.
Well. It’s 4am. I’ve been up for an hour now. You would appreciate my life as a 3am waker-uper. I have to run 10 miles on my last big mile week before my 100K. You’ll be in my mind and in my heart all day, like you always are. If you were alive I might not think of you much because you and I often forgot each other’s birthdays. But now that you’re gone? I don’t know if I’ll ever forget.