Parenting

Let’s Talk About “The Talk”

MY KID TOLD A DIRTY “DEEZ NUTS” JOKE YESTERDAY AND IT WAS TERRIBLE.

Okay. I’ll stop yelling.

He told the joke to Donnie on the way to school yesterday morning. It went, “Hey…do you know what your girlfriend choked on last night?” “What?” “DEEZ NUTS!”

I’ll let you sit with that for a moment. That joke my SEVEN-YEAR OLD MADE.

Oops. Yelling again.

I guess a 11-year old boy from school taught him that joke on Friday. And I guess the “Deez Nuts!” jokes are quite common but not usually that dirty. It’s kinda like, “My butt!” in the sense that it’s today’s goofy response to all questions I guess? Maybe? But usually not SO FREAKIN’ DIRTY. ACK.

But!…I’ve been fielding a lot of sex questions and discussions about inappropriate jokes lately and I think it has to do with the proximity of older kids at this daycare the kids are going to this summer. I just feel like Wes especially has come home with a lot of questions I didn’t think I’d have to answer yet. I have been so grateful to a TED talk I watched a long time ago that referenced this issue because it taught me one simple rule and I thought I’d share it here.

Only answer what they ask.

A lot of times we hear a question and we panic OH, GOD. THIS IS IT. THE SEX TALK. and so we dodge the question because we’re not ready. But that TED talk said that only answer what they ask (unless you haven’t had the “Sex” talk yet of course and you think it’s time – then by all means use any conversation as a starting point) and that’s been really necessary lately as Wesley has asked some pretty interesting questions.

“How does the baby get inside the Mom’s stomach?”
“It grows there, it starts out super small…so small you can’t see it without a microscope.”

“What’s a condom?”
“It’s what a boy wears on his penis during sex to protect everyone from getting diseases or giving diseases to the person he’s having sex with. It can also keep a girl from getting pregnant.” (I braced myself for follow-ups but there were none.)

“How does a woman get pregnant if she’s gay? Don’t you have to have a boy and girl to make a baby?” (This is from catching a few minutes of The Fosters)
“There are different ways, all requiring a Doctor’s help, but in this situation they got permission from a man they knew/respected/loved and they used his sperm to fertilize her egg to make a baby.”

All of these questions could have lead to more, but the general idea behind only answer what they ask is that if you answer the questions they have, they’ll feel comfortable to ask more when they need more information, but you don’t have to force conversations they might not be ready for yet. Often they just hear things they don’t really understand and that doesn’t mean they need a FULL conversation about it, but the talk mentioned the importance of still answering all their questions as simply as possible and only give follow-up if they seem to want it.

Although, the one he asked in the car on the way to dinner we were a little unprepared for. “Have you and Daddy ever had sex?” LUCKILY, we were both in the car and both immediately on the same page so we laughed and said, “How do you think you all got here? We had to have sex to have you guys.” And they both moaned audibly.

WHAT IN THE HELL? WHY IS ALL OF THIS HAPPENING SO FAST?

I did then point out to him that a person’s sex life was a very personal thing and that we didn’t mind answering questions in general but he really shouldn’t quiz other people on personal things like that. I suddenly had this fear of him asking teachers at school if they had sex with their husbands. OH MY GOD, I WOULD DIE.

Have you had this experience? A kids spending time around older kids and then suddenly having questions you weren’t quite ready for? DID YOU LOCK THEM UP UNTIL YOU WERE READY? Jeez.

4 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About “The Talk””

  1. I remember my Wesley coming home from summer camp a few years ago. He was talking about people using the F-word. Luckily I didn’t explain too much because in this case the F-word was fat, not what I thought he was asking! He’s also the one who at age 4 or 5 was adamantly asking me “How does the baby come out?” At the top of his lungs in an airport ( that’s what I got for trying to put him off until later.) He’s asked several questions about sex and I do usually just answer the question. My daughter has asked a lot less, so I may have to take the lead on that conversation with her. That won’t be easy!

  2. We follow the same method of answering the question, not giving a whole talk.

    The other thing that we’ve found helpful is to have this series of books around: It’s So Amazing. That one is for ages 7+, but there’s one for younger & one for older kids. We like using this as a source of information & pictures when certain questions are asked. We also leave it in the kids’ room so that they can peruse as needed. And, when they’ve been asking more questions, we look through the book together to help start a conversation.

  3. Oh my gah I am cringing at the condom talk. I think I would have melted into a puddle and murmured something about the word condo instead.

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