Holy Carp y’all – I was grumpy last night.
(I’m leaving that typo because I really like the idea of religious fish.)
I was snapping at the kids and my husband and I was all sorts of unpleasant in all sorts of ways.
I always hate that. I try to preach the whole “Ripples of Awesome!” and “Spreading Joy!” method of living but some days those outlooks are so far from my actual behavior inside the walls of my home that I kinda want to punch myself in the face.
My Dad used to reference his frustration with his own anger issues, and how he had learned that you carry around frustrations during the day that you can’t release because it’s considered very rude to yell at the lady ringing up your groceries. Or you don’t want to flip off the guy who wouldn’t let you merge on the highway because he could be a psycho that will shoot you. Or you don’t want to yell at your coworkers for not making new coffee when they empty the pot. Any of those things can build frustration into your day that you don’t release, and then you get home and you just let it all out where you’re comfortable.
Dad said, “You take it out on the people in your family because they won’t leave you. But one day they will.”
That’s how I felt last night. I’ve just been tired lately. And stressed. And I just carry that around all day. I’m worried about the house and my new job (I have my first full-home photo shoot today and I’m SO NERVOUS) and my kids and their personal struggles and my husband and his knee and shoulder and whatever else is ailing him…I’m worried about all of that and it makes me turn into Señora Grumpypants (Look for her in Avengers: Age of Ultron) and I keep it bottled up until I get home and then I totally lay it all out on my kids by showing them absolutely no patience and guilting them for acting like…well…kids.
But recently I’ve had these small glimmers of enlightenment. Have you had those moments? Where for one second you suddenly truly feel that thing you tell yourself all the time but you don’t actually believe it? Things like:
I love my body! I don’t have to be skinny to be beautiful!
As long as I’m a good person, it doesn’t matter how much money I make!
If I treat others with kindness and love, then I’ll feel it in return!
You know – those affirmations you tell yourself that a lot of times you don’t truly believe? But then, in a moment, it clicks and part of your heart is all like, “Hell yeah, I’m beautiful. Screw this diet!” And those moments are just BRILLIANT and why we keep going, right?
Well – one I’ve been trying to tell myself lately is:
None of this truly matters.
I get so stressed about stuff that really doesn’t matter if you look at the big picture of life. So what if I don’t do this one thing perfectly? Really? What is the worse that can happen? So what if I don’t get my floors mopped before work? I mean, is there really someone who would have bought my house today if the floors were mopped? So what if I don’t lose this weight by the time we go to Harry Potter world? Should I really let that affect my trip?
Things like that.
And lately, I’ve actually gotten these small moments of release where I’m relaxed because I truly believe the affirmation: None of it really matters. And in that moment, I’m not stressed. It’s like I just let go of it all and for this brief second I feel a million pounds lighter.
And those are great feelings.
The lightness doesn’t stick around for long, but the fact that it shows up at all is reassuring. The fact that there is a part of me that can relax in the moment and see some of this stress for the futility that it really is, makes me feel better that I’m not going to collapse under the weight of it all.
And I woke up this morning and had one of those glimmers…those little clear views that the stress is completely unnecessary. I had that moment of peace which reminded it’s all going to be okay.
It was only a moment, and then I starting freaking out again, but still! That moment helps calm down Señora Grumpypants so that hopefully she won’t spread her grumpiness to her children when she wakes them up for the day. And those moments of enlightenment is what make those affirmations important because the moments get closer together if you keep telling yourself, “It will be okay.”