Randomly

Overdosing on Fiddle Faddle

I like to try NOT to write about the same thing here more than once a week or two as a challenge to keep my brain creative in terms of writing and content. Even if – every day – I’m only thinking about Mountain Mist 50K? I try to write about something else since I wrote about that recently. There was a stretch of time where I felt like I was writing about my emotional eating issues 2-3 times a week because I was struggling with them sooo much. I remember saying, This blog is basically me talking about how I binge ate yesterday…EVERY DAY to myself one day and I put a moratorium on talking about my relationship with food.

But then it hit me last night, as I lay in bed thinking about how much worse that bad habit has gotten, Oh! Maybe writing about it helped keep it in check a little bit?

Because I’m now back to being the heaviest I’ve been in over a year.

If you’re new here, let me clarify: It’s not about weight, first and foremost. I’m fit, I’m active, I’m fairly healthy.

For me, it’s about my emotional relationship with food, and a good way to measure if I’ve been managing that properly is with my weight.

If I was this same weight and felt like I never binged or stress-ate? Then this weight would be FINE. But I haven’t had a stretch of days without a binge-eating episode longer than 4 days…IN MONTHS. I remember one time last winter I had gone 30 days without an “episode” and I can’t even FATHOM that long of a stretch now. My friend was telling me about Bayside Psychotherapy, provide some great support so I hear. They said they got a lot out of their therapy and recommended people to visit baysidepsychotherapy.com.au.

And last night I thought Well…maybe writing about it often helped you at least make those goals.

SO! Guess what we’re talking about today? FIDDLE FADDLE!

Here’s the thing: I’ve been “vegan” since June. I put the word “vegan” in quotes because I still often enjoy honey from local beekeepers and I wear wool socks. I also avoid milk/cheese/meet 99.9% of the time, but if it’s hidden in an ingredient I don’t know is an animal product? I don’t freak out. I read labels, keep an eye out for obvious animal products, but I don’t check every ingredient that I might not know. I prefer to say I’m “plant-based” or that I’m an “herbivore” when I’m describing my eating habits.

So, I’d say, since June, I’ve been 98% Vegan as far as I can guess.

And when I binge…I do try to still remain plant-based. I don’t go for the chicken tenders like I used to. Or the french onion chip dip. Or the cheese dip from the Mexican restaurant down the street. I try to even keep my binging plant-based, but I’m not PERFECT. I’ll grab some chocolate chip cookies if they’re there, or donuts from the grocery store. This week? I ate an entire box of Fiddle Faddle in one sitting.

I didn’t even buy the Fiddle Faddle! It was something in a box of food E’s paternal grandmother gave him that he left for the kids to have because he’s trying to eat healthier. And what did I do? I had a full-blown stress attack on Tuesday, got the box out, and made myself sick emptying it on one sitting.

I MADE MYSELF SO SICK. You just have to trust me. Fiddle Faddle is not kind to your stomach if you overdose on it.

I don’t know what it is that has gotten me binging lately. Sometimes I can place my finger on it, but it seems like lately it’s just a general feeling of stress. Our contractors still haven’t finished the work we’re getting done on the house so our house STILL isn’t on the market. But even the thought of putting the house on the market stresses me out so I have this weird battle of dueling stressful situations. I’ve got that big race coming up and I have these back issues I can’t seem to kick. E is in the semester at school where his extracurriculars get insane (this is the semester of the competing musicals, he’s in the ensemble) so he doesn’t work as much so he’s BROKE an I have all sorts of weird dueling guilt issues over that. Wes and Nikki are both struggling with their own emotional issues and I have good days and bad days regarding how well I deal with those.

So…nothing EXTREME that should be stressing me out…just a lot of moderate level stress all at one time.

But the binging…it’s gotten so bad. I went three days without binging this week and almost died of pride. And then at that Fiddle Faddle. And then I ate 4 veggie burgers for a “snack”. That’s a 600 calorie snack, so you can see how the weight is piling on. Most people keep their snacks under 200 calories. NOT ME! I like to make my snacks meal-sized and my meals, banquet sized! With 3 courses!

I’m just so mad at myself because I knew coming into this race I needed to be at my “prime” training weight. And today? I’m 10lbs above that. And the race is 8 days away. Anyone know how I can lose 10lbs in 8 days? Preferably with a diet based in Fiddle Faddle?

This entry really has no point other than, I wanted to put it out there. I really do wonder if my struggle to even maintain a previous level of control (which wasn’t that great) is because I stopped writing about it, so here it is. I’m writing about it. I had 3 bowels of Almond Milk and Granola for second breakfast the other day. YES…SECOND BREAKFAST WAS 1200 CALORIES!

And yes…I binged on Almond Milk and Granola. My new memoir may be How I Became The World’s Only Morbidly Obese Vegan.

BUT TODAY! Today I’m going to really focus. I’ll think about these words and try one of the million techniques I’ve learned recently. (I’ve been reading books/watching films about addiction lately. Basically, I’m stealing ideas from people who struggle with life-threatening drug addictions to help me cope with my tendency to binge on Krispy Kremes. Which feels silly but – let’s be honest – addiction is addiction, no matter what it is you’re addicted to.) I’ll try not to think about how far down the hole I’ve fallen, and instead try to think about getting out of it.

And I’ll tell E he’s grounded if he ever leaves Fiddle Faddle “for the kids” again.

8 thoughts on “Overdosing on Fiddle Faddle”

  1. I think you minimize your stress…I stopped breathing for a second with sympathy stress while reading about all you have going on…plus, I read your blog pretty regularly, and I think you left out a couple of things (insurance companies ????). ABC – awareness before change…you know what’s going on, and you’ve put it out there. I’m sorry for this extra stress – deep breaths! ????

  2. Writing about it does two things: (1) it helps you get the thoughts and battles out of your head, and (2) it helps make you accountable because you are posting it out there for the world to see. If you need to write about it everyday for the next two weeks, then do it. I will read and enjoy as I always do. 😀

  3. I stopped doing a thing that was unhealthy for me a few weeks ago. I had read a book that included the line “people too often confuse responsability with stress”. I’m still not sure what means, but having read it and my brain still crunching on it weeks later … I’m sure it is something for me to spend time with.

  4. I do the same thing! It’s usually jelly beans, chocolate, or cookies and I am aware I’m overrating but I just can’t stop myself! And then I beat myself up. Terrible cycle.

    I must say I’ve never binged on bowels or cereal, though. That sounds pretty gross. 😉

  5. I was reading the sentence “basically, I’m stealing ideas from people who struggle with life-threatening addictions…” and thinking “addiction is addiction.” And then, I see you are right there. I think it’s fair and you don’t need to apologize for it. I’ve been reading long enough to know this has impacted your quality of life for years. Find your ideas where you can.

    Another thought, and I may have said it before, because it always comes up for me when I read these entries. It’s not inevitable to constantly feel under such stress. I think we accept it as a norm in our society, but I really don’t think it’s normal or, frankly, healthy. I definitely have stressful periods, but in your writing it feels like you live under a much higher level of stress day to day and like things linger more for you. I’m not sure what crazy coping mechanism I’d come up with if I felt like that day to day.

    Maybe, instead of *working on the binge eating* there’s a way to work on the underlying stress? I’m guessing you’re not interested in a counselor right now (and who could blame you?), but maybe there’s a friend or a book you could draw from. There must be a way of letting go of some of the stress.

    I know none of that’s very concrete or helpful. But, maybe knowing how it reads to an outsider will give you some ideas as you look at those strategies you mentioned.

  6. I so agree with Cara about addressing the underlying stress. I try to be conscious and in the moment. I’m getting better at that every day. Running and working out helps. When I am tempted to soothe myself by eating, I first try to think through WHY. And after that I walk around my house if I can’t take a walk outdoors. Up and down the stairs, etc. That usually fends off the binge. And if I do binge, it’s on carrots and hummus.

  7. I love your blog because of how honest you are about who you are and what you think and feel. This includes your posts about your struggles AND your successes and I don’t think you should apologize for writing about any subject at all! I’ve been reading your blog for 10+ years and I am so proud of the strong woman you have become in this past decade. If you need to write about it, then write about it. Also, have you tried joining a forum? I am a member of one for introverts and I feel really understood there. Just an idea.

Leave a Reply Cancel reply