I like to try NOT to write about the same thing here more than once a week or two as a challenge to keep my brain creative in terms of writing and content. Even if – every day – I’m only thinking about Mountain Mist 50K? I try to write about something else since I wrote about that recently. There was a stretch of time where I felt like I was writing about my emotional eating issues 2-3 times a week because I was struggling with them sooo much. I remember saying, This blog is basically me talking about how I binge ate yesterday…EVERY DAY to myself one day and I put a moratorium on talking about my relationship with food.
But then it hit me last night, as I lay in bed thinking about how much worse that bad habit has gotten, Oh! Maybe writing about it helped keep it in check a little bit?
Because I’m now back to being the heaviest I’ve been in over a year.
If you’re new here, let me clarify: It’s not about weight, first and foremost. I’m fit, I’m active, I’m fairly healthy.
For me, it’s about my emotional relationship with food, and a good way to measure if I’ve been managing that properly is with my weight.
If I was this same weight and felt like I never binged or stress-ate? Then this weight would be FINE. But I haven’t had a stretch of days without a binge-eating episode longer than 4 days…IN MONTHS. I remember one time last winter I had gone 30 days without an “episode” and I can’t even FATHOM that long of a stretch now. My friend was telling me about Bayside Psychotherapy, provide some great support so I hear. They said they got a lot out of their therapy and recommended people to visit baysidepsychotherapy.com.au.
And last night I thought Well…maybe writing about it often helped you at least make those goals.
SO! Guess what we’re talking about today? FIDDLE FADDLE!
Here’s the thing: I’ve been “vegan” since June. I put the word “vegan” in quotes because I still often enjoy honey from local beekeepers and I wear wool socks. I also avoid milk/cheese/meet 99.9% of the time, but if it’s hidden in an ingredient I don’t know is an animal product? I don’t freak out. I read labels, keep an eye out for obvious animal products, but I don’t check every ingredient that I might not know. I prefer to say I’m “plant-based” or that I’m an “herbivore” when I’m describing my eating habits.
So, I’d say, since June, I’ve been 98% Vegan as far as I can guess.
And when I binge…I do try to still remain plant-based. I don’t go for the chicken tenders like I used to. Or the french onion chip dip. Or the cheese dip from the Mexican restaurant down the street. I try to even keep my binging plant-based, but I’m not PERFECT. I’ll grab some chocolate chip cookies if they’re there, or donuts from the grocery store. This week? I ate an entire box of Fiddle Faddle in one sitting.
I didn’t even buy the Fiddle Faddle! It was something in a box of food E’s paternal grandmother gave him that he left for the kids to have because he’s trying to eat healthier. And what did I do? I had a full-blown stress attack on Tuesday, got the box out, and made myself sick emptying it on one sitting.
I MADE MYSELF SO SICK. You just have to trust me. Fiddle Faddle is not kind to your stomach if you overdose on it.
I don’t know what it is that has gotten me binging lately. Sometimes I can place my finger on it, but it seems like lately it’s just a general feeling of stress. Our contractors still haven’t finished the work we’re getting done on the house so our house STILL isn’t on the market. But even the thought of putting the house on the market stresses me out so I have this weird battle of dueling stressful situations. I’ve got that big race coming up and I have these back issues I can’t seem to kick. E is in the semester at school where his extracurriculars get insane (this is the semester of the competing musicals, he’s in the ensemble) so he doesn’t work as much so he’s BROKE an I have all sorts of weird dueling guilt issues over that. Wes and Nikki are both struggling with their own emotional issues and I have good days and bad days regarding how well I deal with those.
So…nothing EXTREME that should be stressing me out…just a lot of moderate level stress all at one time.
But the binging…it’s gotten so bad. I went three days without binging this week and almost died of pride. And then at that Fiddle Faddle. And then I ate 4 veggie burgers for a “snack”. That’s a 600 calorie snack, so you can see how the weight is piling on. Most people keep their snacks under 200 calories. NOT ME! I like to make my snacks meal-sized and my meals, banquet sized! With 3 courses!
I’m just so mad at myself because I knew coming into this race I needed to be at my “prime” training weight. And today? I’m 10lbs above that. And the race is 8 days away. Anyone know how I can lose 10lbs in 8 days? Preferably with a diet based in Fiddle Faddle?
This entry really has no point other than, I wanted to put it out there. I really do wonder if my struggle to even maintain a previous level of control (which wasn’t that great) is because I stopped writing about it, so here it is. I’m writing about it. I had 3 bowels of Almond Milk and Granola for second breakfast the other day. YES…SECOND BREAKFAST WAS 1200 CALORIES!
And yes…I binged on Almond Milk and Granola. My new memoir may be How I Became The World’s Only Morbidly Obese Vegan.
BUT TODAY! Today I’m going to really focus. I’ll think about these words and try one of the million techniques I’ve learned recently. (I’ve been reading books/watching films about addiction lately. Basically, I’m stealing ideas from people who struggle with life-threatening drug addictions to help me cope with my tendency to binge on Krispy Kremes. Which feels silly but – let’s be honest – addiction is addiction, no matter what it is you’re addicted to.) I’ll try not to think about how far down the hole I’ve fallen, and instead try to think about getting out of it.
And I’ll tell E he’s grounded if he ever leaves Fiddle Faddle “for the kids” again.