Just Keep [Insert -ing word here]

I’m very frustrated lately at all of the backtracking I’ve been doing in my life. My efforts to be a better Mom/Wife/Runner/Eater have all backslidden and I found myself stress eating a box of donuts in my car again yesterday. It was like “Throwback Tuesday – Food Addict Style”.

But I woke up this morning reminding myself: There is no “final” version of me. I don’t get to just say, “All right! This is it! This is the final Zoot Release package! No improvements needed!” Nope. That’s not me. That’s not reality. That’s not life. Backsliding is just part of the cycle of improving myself and I can either wallow in those failures or I can acknowledge them and move on, move forward, move SOMEWHERE other than the land of self-hatred.

My training has been faltering. My diet has been horrendous. My parenting has been embarrassing. But I recognize that. I see those things and I can also see all of the progress I have made in improving all of those areas and JUST because I’m backsliding, doesn’t erase all of the progress I made in any of those areas before.

So. Back to the grindstone. I didn’t run this morning but I’m going to try to later. I’m going to remember that I like my kids, even if they yell and punch me in anger sometimes. (Yes. We’re back in that phase again. I thought it was gone for good. Nope. WHEEE!) I’m going to try to eat for my BODY and not for my ANXIETY. (My anxiety likes donuts. My body likes beans.) I’m going to allow myself failures but NOT allow those failures to erase the pride I should feel over past successes.

And I’m going to smile more. I’ve been stressed lately thinking about my inadequacies. I miss my smile. I deliberately tried to smile more yesterday and it made me feel so much better. Such a simple thing. But such a necessary one.


5 thoughts on “Just Keep [Insert -ing word here]”

  1. Well, this post was perfect timing! I’ve been struggling with a race training schedule, work, and school, lately. Really needed to read this to get back on track and to not be so hard on myself. In the midst of everything, it is so hard to remember that life is a process and not a destination – especially when I’m so used to pushing myself and striving for my own definition of perfection (news flash! it’s unattainable).

  2. Ah, Zoot. What a tough period you’re in right now. This too shall pass. And look at that growth! There was a time when a doughnut binge would have derailed your healthy eating until at least a Monday and possibly until the start of the next month. There might be backsliding, but you’re clearly not all the way back at the beginning.

    I was thinking the other day that I keep seeing you talk about how unhappy you are with your parenting right now. And, I think about E. I started reading when he was still pretty young and right through those teen years. I know I’m not in your house, but I really find it hard to believe your parenting is that bad. E was an awesome kid all through what are typically pretty rough years of development. Nikki and Wes are taking on new challenges like nobody’s business, even when it scares them. You talk about activities to keep them busy, things you do as a family, homework time together… I’m not trying to dismiss your need to do things differently with them. (I’m in one of those stages right now with my own peanut.) But, really, you’re kids are turning out pretty great. It will be okay.

  3. All great works of art are continually in progress, refining details here, making subtle adjustments there.

  4. have you written your letter to yourself yet? 🙂

    p.s. no? me, neither. 🙂 but we should!!!

    p.s. s. love you girl…you’re freaking awesome!

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