First: Thank you so much for easing my mind on yesterday’s entry. My follow-up question for some of you (because so many people suggested finding a good realtor) how do you shop around for realtors? Like…do they look at your house, give you an opinion/plan and then you decide? I’m not sure what they do before you sign the contract, so I’m curious how to get the best idea of their process/skill before deciding.
And Now! For Today’s Entry! Where I play the “They Just Don’t Know How Much I Do!” overworked Mom card!
But seriously. They Just Don’t Know How Much I Do.
This entry is basically the periodic entry I have to write telling ALL OF THE SHIT I DO because no one who lives in my house notices and therefore doesn’t give me the praise I (probably shouldn’t) need so I tell YOU guys what I do just to document it somewhere to make me feel better about the few things I don’t do and then, of course, hate myself for.
(It’s a formulaic entry around here. If you’ve been here awhile you’ve seen this entry in other variations.)
You know my husband is training for an Ironman, right? I’ve mentioned that 100 million times? Well, about a month ago as his new job schedule solidified and his training amped up, we shifted to Kim Does All Of The Cooking (he likes to cook, and used to cook 3 times a week) which is FINE. As long as he doesn’t mind what I cook, right? He doesn’t even mind me cooking Vegan meals. I’ve offered to add in a chicken breast for him but he says, “Nope. I get plenty of protein in my shakes and my lunches.” So! For a month now I’m doing all the cooking.
But I’m also doing all of the post-cooking clean-up. We used to balance things by making the Clean Up person be different from the Cooking Person. But, his training is at like the 15 hours a week mark, so his hours are few and his rest is important…SO! I cook AND I clean. And I shop. And I do laundry. And I mow the grass (he hasn’t had to mow the grass all summer). And I weed the flowerbeds (sometimes). And I take the kids to/from school. And to/from doctor’s appointments. And I volunteer at the kid’s school. And I take them to/from all soccer games and practices. And I do homework with them. And I pack their healthy/no waste lunches.
I DO IT ALL.
And I work full-time.
Well, now is the time where his training starts to taper a bit (he has a half-ironman tomorrow, his full ironman is 9/28) and mine picks up. I have a marathon in October and it just keeps going from there. SO! Today I get to run early. Nothing too long, maybe 15 miles, but still, it means I can’t help with the soccer games. Which is how it works during my training. My training overlaps with soccer season so I do all of the weekly games/practices and Donnie takes the Saturday ones. This is the first Saturday game of the year, so I was worried about their routine. He has to drop Nikki off at her coach’s house on the way to take Wes to his game. (Their games are at the same time, two different parks.) SO! I made sure to get the kids to set out their stuff last night to MAKE SURE there would be no last-minute panic attacks when Donnie can’t find something.
But of COURSE, I feel guilty because I’m not going to be at those games. I went to both games this week and I’ve been at every practice. But I feel bad I won’t be at these games.
Why do I do that to myself? Did I not just write that exhausting paragraph earlier outlining all that I do for this family? Why do I feel bad about this ONE THING. I take Saturday mornings (and Sunday mornings as the season progresses) to do MY thing and the rest of the week I work around their schedule and do everything for the family and still…still…I feel bad about it. Donnie comes home from work/working out and plays video games to unwind while I cook/clean/help with homework/hang with the kids etc and he feels NO GUILT WHATSOEVER. I’m loudly getting the kids ready for bed, doing dishes, putting up laundry and he’s just zoned out on the games. He feels NOTHING. And me, one Saturday game missed and I feel like the WORST IN THE WORLD.
BAH. I want to be a little more like Donnie.
(And it wouldn’t hurt things for him to be a little more like me.)
Thanks for letting me vent. I’m going to proceed with my long run/self hate session! Wheee!
How to find a realtor: word of mouth. Ask your friends; ask your co-workers.
How to get more help around the house: ask. Sometimes husbands just don’t get it, and we bottle it up and do it ourselves and that’s not good for anyone.
Hope you have a nice run today!
I’m right there with you today. I’m missing my son’s game to go do the dirty girl 5k. I’ve never done a 5k – let alone one in mud- so add a ton of nerves to the guilt. When I told him I wouldn’t be there he cried and begged me to come which broke my heart. Never mind that I’ve never missed one of his games in the last 4 years, do 80% of the practices, all of the morning-getting-ready stuff before school, and all the other behind the scenes stuff like laundry, shopping, cooking. The husband misses stuff all the time, works random hours and is gone a lot of weekends and he feels no guilt and gets no tears.
I have no solution but know that you’re not alone in the guilt.
For the realtor–you definitely can make appointments with a few different ones to come by your place and they’ll suggest how they would list your place. Basically they are getting the chance to interview for a job you are offering them.
For the guilt–if I had any idea how to stop myself feeling the same way…. 🙂
I don’t see it as ‘your’e missing ONE of their games,’ I see it as ‘you’re teaching them that it’s a good thing to have one’s own interests and make oneself happy first in order to be happy for others’. It’s an unseen lesson that will be worth more than being present at all the games! Go out there and make yourself happy first and foremost.
Also, I think the more responsibility you take, the less everybody else takes because they get used to you doing everything, so maybe let some things go? If there’s a panic attack because someone didn’t think to prepare beforehand… not your responsibility! Maybe they don’t really care about the last minute panic (i.e. you find it really stressful but Donnie doesn’t mind a bit of rushing), and if they do care then they will do something about it next time. In any case, can you be out the door early enough to miss the panic in case it happens? This way everybody will be forced to do something about it themselves instead of turning to you to get the problem solved. In my experience, becoming a bit more ruthless with chores/helping out/solving problems is actually really good for everyone. I used to have a partner who was terrible at finding stuff until I figured out it was not my role to find them for him unless I wanted to and miraculously he became good at finding his own things. It used to go something like:
Him: Where’s the beer?
Me: In the bottom shelf at the back of the fridge.
Him: It’s not there.
Me: Yes it is, you can’t see it from that angle, you need to crouch.
Him: (refusing to crouch) it’s not there, I can’t see it.
Me Before: (Interrupting what I was doing, going to the kitchen, crouching) Here you go.
Him: aaah, right.
Me After: Oh then I don’t know.
Him: (Either not getting beer, or finally crouching and getting his own)
After a few times, I very rarely got asked where stuff was again 🙂
I don’t know who put the idea in our heads as women that it’s our responsibility to do everything but the more I realize I’m doing things by default that other people are old enough/capable enough to do for themselves, the less I do them. (Others: Why isn’t my blue t-shirt clean! I neeeeed it! Me: No problem, here is how you use the washer and dryer.) And it makes everybody better people. It makes them better, because it makes them more independent in life and it makes me better because I’m no longer resentful. Win-win.
Agreed. 100%.