Dad, Grief

The Sadz Demand To Be Felt.

I’ve found myself a little sad these last couple days because I seem to be missing my Dad a little more than usual. I’m dealing with the sads by eating all of the vegan foods in all of the land. I’m going to be the first morbidly obese vegan in the history of the planet.

So, I sat down to write yesterday morning like I always do and just couldn’t because I was all, “Wah. The Sads.”

It’s funny because, to my logical brain it makes sense that some days I’m going to really be sad about missing my Dad. He’s gone! I loved him! That makes sense! But the insecure emotional side is all, “FIVE YEARS, Kim. No one wants to hear you still whining about your Dad FIVE YEARS later.”

But Day 2 and I sat down to write and all I could think was, “Wah. The Sads.”

The funny thing is what has triggered this sadness. Well, one thing is funny and one thing is interesting. The first thing is: My laptop is dying. It’s been struggling for awhile but it seems it might be knocking on deaths door. It was a gift from my Dad and my Brother in 2008 and my Dad died in 2009. This means I am super-duper sentimentally attached to the thing and when I look at it on the table, knowing it might not power back up again (issues with batteries, power supplies, and fans…also the hardware is now too old for any updates in software) and I tear up a little.

Basically, my laptop is making me sad. Which my Dad would find funny.

The other thing which is more interesting than funny is that I’m really getting into Ironman Mode. Donnie has been training so hard for months already and we’re almost to the 6 week countdown. (That’s not a real thing to anyone but me, by the way.) And man, my Dad would LOVE to see this. First of all, he loved Chattanooga with all of his heart. Second of all? He loved Donnie. In 2005 he traveled out west to see my brother do an Ironman and he came home just fascinated by the whole thing. He’s the first one who told me about strippers. (I love saying that sentence. It never stops being funny.) Strippers rip the wetsuits off the athletes after they come out of the water. He thought my brother was insane, of course, but he loved being there witnessing the insanity. And I think he’d really love to see the same insanity in one of his favorite cities.

So. Laptop. Ironman. Missing Dad.

Thanks for letting me dump out my Sadz all over the place, I kinda annoy myself blogging about that stuff, but then the Not Blogging about it makes it worse because Blogging is my therapy so, you know, I’d save us all time if I just got it out on Day 01.

And so that I don’t just end this entry on a “Wah. I has the sadz.” note, I’ll add a little bit of exciting news to the mix.

Someone passed the swim test at the Y and finally got his white band! He didn’t stress as much about the test as his sister did (she can swim a 600yd workout and still hates that they make her retake the 25m swim test at Kid’s Night Out) but he hadn’t passed it yet because they don’t let you take a Swim On Your Back break as you cross the 25yd pool, and my kids love those breaks. I’ve taught them if they panic, or get too tired, flip on their back, don’t go to the side. So, great life lesson, not so great with passing the swim test so you can swim without your Mom by your side.

But he did it! He is so very excited!

6 thoughts on “The Sadz Demand To Be Felt.”

  1. I’m sorry about The Sad, and missing your dad. You can’t put a timeline on grief and the only thing to do with feelings is to acknowledge and continue feeling them. You totally don’t have to justify that to us. Also, yay for passing the swim test! Kudos.

  2. You are allowed to miss your dad 50 years from now. It never goes away, especially when there is something you wish you could share. I think you have acknowledged it perfectly and will feel better about getting it out. Hugs!

  3. I’m sorry you are having the sads. You never have to apologize for missing your dad. As someone who has lost a parent, I totally understand what you mean. I think I’ve said this before, but it never gets easy, it just gets easier. I still miss my mom and it’s been 21 years. But I don’t sit around sobbing like I did that first year after she died. I understand that attachment to the laptop because your dad gave it to you, too. I’d be the same way.

  4. I lost my mom 40 years ago and still get the sads sometimes, so you’re totally allowed to still get them too. Also, congratulations to Wes!

  5. Hey, it’s ok to be sad. And no matter how long it’s been since he’s been gone, it still sucks and no one should expect you to be over it. He’s your DAD! You’re allowed to miss him and be sad about it pretty much forever. One little note, on a completely different subject, just wanted to throw out a thank you! I’ve read about your family and your fitness/running for years. I’m not normally one to leave comments, but I just wanted you know that I started a C25K program, finished and am still running because of the things you write. I never thought I’d consider myself a runner, but now I do. Thanks for that!

  6. I second all the other commenters. My Mom has been gone 5 years too, and I still get the Sadz big time. Not like I did the 1st year or so (therapy helps – so should have started blogging – would have saved a lot of $$), but sometimes out of the blue, you just wish your parent was here. Sadz are much better shared than stuffed, so thanks for sharing with the blogosphere. : )

Leave a Reply Cancel reply